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[Typing convention: Asterisks are used in place of the apostrophe because apostrophes do not work in this journal]
Update: All things are possible after all...so I updated my post on "disappointment" (Comment on some words from "Long Ago and Far Away") because he cheered me up!
I never thought he*d be there for me...I needed a hug, I needed to be in his arms...and he came. That was the most romantic thing ever!!
What a surprise! He was hot and sexy (I mean...what a hunk!!)...yes he came...and I had to control myself. To behave. To be prim and proper and lady-like, whilst being romantic and appreciating his caresses...
He*s my boyfriend now, well sort of...given that it*s different again...by degrees
...we*re now running off to some hideaway and all that...but no, things aren*t solved...I*m not keeping my hopes high, his girlfriend claims him aggressively and will probably never stop, right?
[I had told this story somewhere in this journal, and I REALLY thought I was dreaming when (this was in the past) his girlfriend came by and told me he wasn*t available...I didn*t know he had a girlfriend!]
It was an accident...he and I never planned on this...it just happened.
So while it*s sweet and all that, I*m aware that he*s having problems...
I*m not anxious...I have always believed in DESTINY...If he*s really mine, then it will all happen...if not, then we*ll all cope and move on somehow...
[Typing convention: Asterisks are used in place of the apostrophe because apostrophes do not work in this journal.]
For me and My Crush, everyday is Valentine*s Day...it*s always romantic here on DN whenever he is here! That*s all that matters.
Actually posting a greeting on his profile is NOT that risky, as one would presumably post on MANY profiles as well.
If you want to know: I will NOT post any "special" Valentine greeting for him here in this journal on the 14th of February. Also, obviously, nothing extra-special on his profile, although I might give out a card for all (and I*m not even sure of that!).
And if you know who it is...well, is it obvious??...Wait, don*t tell me!!!!
The only people that know I love him are myself, him and his girlfriend. LoL...I did NOT KNOW he had a girlfriend (It*s not his fault...it*s hers) when he was having the jealousy fits (see my other post on interpretations of his jealousy...maybe it*s not love on his part!)...so what was I to think...when my secret crush (he didn*t know back then that I was madly in love with him) was having fits of jealousy regarding my ex?? What was I to think?? By the time I told him that I loved him, in order to console him because he looked so depressed, I STILL didn*t know he had a girlfriend.
Then one day, his girlfriend comes to me and says, "The man you say you love is MINE. And soon, he will be ALL MINE."...Like I mentioned in a previous post, to me that meant that he was still theoretically available...because he*s not yet all hers! "So you*re not married..." (or was it, "So he*s not yours yet!" ?) were my first thoughts regarding her. Both, I think.
I was startled that she knew. I told myself, maybe he told her...but in fairness to him, I should also think that maybe she just knew...women*s intuition, that universal tendency of women (I prefer that term to "woman*s intuition"...if I say "woman*s intuition" it sounds like she*s the only one that has it...anyway, semantics...)
I*m not mad at him or anything like that. I just can*t find it in my heart to be angry...certainly, I did not have the mood to blame him...I*m feeling too dazed and magical and heavenly to even think of being angry with him.
Like I have already mentioned in a previous post, he is asking me if I am really serious about this love I feel for him. Presumably, since he knows I have so many suitors, he feels I might have a penchant for not valuing hearts that love me and will supposedly play with hearts and all that.
All I can say is, "I do love you, with all of my heart and I am serious." Maybe he just needs the assurance that my love for him remains unchanged somehow.
Perhaps that*s essentially my greeting for him on Valentine*s Day, in answer to his question, and I dedicate my wallpaper Elven Love to him!
[Note: I think the decoration of the "ABOUT ME" (older profile) would be complete or final AFTER Valentine*s Day because some pictures to be used there will be coming from my future uploads]
In this version of my profile, I removed so many parts in order to PUT IN a section called, "OTHERS ON DN...THE ONES YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT"...because people are asking, "What*s with the emphasis on certain people here?"...Well, now you will know!
This profile version also sort of emphasizes that it is not all about me, I talk about the importance of others too...and in the lowermost part of the profile, THE USUAL things here that I mention, like hacking.
Also you might wonder why I prefer to put this profile in here. Some people actually like this profile better than the one displayed up front.
It*s here because I can put pictures in it, change the colors of the fonts, and the fonts here are BIGGER!
Just some of the reasons why I prefer to put this version of my profile here!
Some also have remarked that they have not seen this profile. Well I think Brian saw this when it was up...and maybe others too...while the rest are not familiar with it, so that created some excitement like, "Let me see...let me see it!!"
If you*re wondering why the section "OTHERS ON DN" isn*t longer, that*s because the profile wouldn*t take one more sentence, at least that was what happened in my profile. I had wanted to say more, for sure. What I did was to place the most important descriptions that would answer peoples* questions about how I met them and my relationship with them here on DN.
[The Trivia of 26 was originally for the older About Me profile, but it was published without it...I forgot to put it in. So I will just place it here. It might also clear up confusion. Question: Did you say in your profile, that kids said you looked 26, or was 26 years the age gap between you and your ex? Answer: Both. It*s a coincidence.
So here is that entry on the Number 26:
The number 26...Kids and teenagers think I*m 26 years old...26 also happens to be the number of years between me and my ex...so that I was 46 when he was 20. The Chinese like the number 8...and 2 plus 6 is 8...Play of numbers!]
[As I have said in the Intro (another post) I had wanted to place more words to honor them more but my profile would not take in another sentence. So we*re stuck with very short descriptions here.
BUT HEY...forget that!..It*s in the journal now so I can clarify things and YES, ADD words that are either timely or clarificatory...]
You can also compare this version with the one that*s posted up front.
Here it is then...sharing the LOVE...(later on with pictures!): ]
DESCRIPTION: I am an old lady with a handsome son, so I am very immune to handsome young guys my son*s age who court me and try to seduce me. YES, I am in my 50s!! Children and teenagers, though, think I*m 26 years old. (So people think I am my son*s sister - he is in his 20s.) Old people KNOW I*m in my 50s - they grew up with me!
Just eat dairy products and meat...I*m not kidding.
I am a writer and a composer. I love art as well.
Moonlighting as a Secret Agent. (just kidding)
JOINING DN: I first joined DN because my browser would not browse DN at all...so I became a member and logged in. It worked. Next I uploaded wallpapers in order to give back because I downloaded innumerable walls. Now I upload pics because they are fun and thrilling...and maybe addictive. LoL
I wasn*t planning on doing this...uploading wallpapers! I was and always was a blogger. Now I am a DN wallpaper uploader too. How experience changes us!
My Love: Actually, we cannot call the person my DN "boyfriend" even in jest...but as long as my love for him is alive and well, my heart has no room for another. I*ll keep you all posted (in my journal)!
ABOUT OTHERS ON DN...THE ONES YOU ARE WONDERING ABOUT:
Inspi: The first person to show immense kindness to me, even when I wasn*t doing anything here!! (Well now I upload wp*s and comment and all that) You can*t get any more sincere than that! She also described me as sincere, which to her is rare, so I am truly honoured and blessed! Thanks, Inspi! Status: Fairy-Queen Friend (or if she sometimes says so, Best Friend) whatever she wants!
Talislanta: Brian was the first (ever) individual to leave massive comments on my uploads, and because his standards for wallpapers are so high, I felt honoured that he even commented on them! It does affect my standards for my uploads...my next uploads will be crisp and nothing fuzzy, hopefully! Status: Very Good Friend
Melissa: I am more used to referring to her as Melissa or Sweet Melissa. She is Darksong. Although Brian beat her to it (being the first to leave massive comments)(there*s a reason to that...my very first uploads concentrated on guys-stuff wallpapers like Girl with a High Tech Weapon {the actual title is longer}, Warlords of Draenon and Bloodrayne), she was the second person to frequent my uploads (when I started putting in things she liked) and eventually became my top female commenter, which many others have praised her for as well. She and I share a love of wolves (the quadruped mammal kind, not the human kind of wolf!) Status: Very Good Friend
I am sure you love these three as well!
So now you know who my top male and female commenters are (covering the period prior to this post) (two people whom I eventually became friends with and later became close to)...and you know the firsts that left an impression on me. ...and you also know now WHY I fuss on Inspi a lot...she is just so nice! Relationships fluctuate sometimes...distance sometimes develops among friends..and no one is to blame! Once, Inspi called me her Best Friend...haha I won*t complain!!! That is truly another honour, to be called that. I won*t forget it.
FRIENDS ON DN:
There*s a reason one considers many people as friends on DN...and that is because they are all so very warm and sweet.
MY BLOGS: I have too many blogs and websites (way too many). They\'re mostly the kind you have to fill up first before inviting the world formally for a read. [This explanation is for those who are asking, "Why do your blogs have so little written in them?" Answer: I have just started them and because there are a whole lot of them, it all takes time.]
STATUS of my love for my crush (I call the man I love deeply "my crush"):...I dedicate "Here Is A Song", not a wallpaper, to him....in my DN Journal. (it won*t fit on this profile right now)
MY RELATION TO OTHER PEOPLE:
(Please don*t read the following if you dislike entries about conflict, etc., in this world):
BANNING PEOPLE: Oh yes, sometimes we have to do that, especially when we are being either harrassed or disrespected or both, in any website.
RESPECT: Ultimately, respect is not earned, it is given by respectful people. In the same manner, disrespect is given by disrespectful people. We give others respect because it*s the right thing to do.
HACKING: Hacking is everywhere. When I*m being hacked here, I can*t send certain PMs to friends or sometimes I can*t post on profiles...but then it becomes alright...then it happens again.
Here is a little note explaining all of what happened yesterday, when people were waiting for me to post my older profile.
Yesterday, February 10, people were too excited to see the older profile...so I was asking myself..."Didn*t they see it when I displayed it?"...apparently not.
So I explained that first I was in the bathroom. After I was done, I then informed folks that either I was at dinner, or writing in here or writing and commenting. What I failed to tell everyone was that I fell fast asleep after those activities (- commenting on wallpapers and having eaten dinner as well) with my laptop on my tummy, still open!
(And) How could I give notice AFTER I dozed off to Dreamland and was unable to write that event down (falling asleep) when, as I*ve said, I was already there in Dreamland (I love that land, where the impossible becomes possible!) fast asleep??
My sincere apologies to all who waited. I immediately worked on the computer as soon as I awoke from that long period of sleep (I also had a mini-nap later).
No, I wasn*t that physically tired. It was more of a mental and emotional exhaustion from REALIZING that there were very taxing effects from my encounter with you-know-who (the girlfriend).
(Okay, I*ll tell you: At first, she seemed like just one of his friends. Later on, she told me that one day he will soon be all hers...meaning that right now, he isn*t {!}..although I know my chances of being with him are slim.) I continue to be in love with him nevertheless.
[Typing convention: Asterisks replace the apostrophe because apostrophes do not work in this journal.]
The song is about disappointment, as I*ve said. A lot has happened since I*ve posted this song, "Long Ago and Far Away"...
Well...I will continue to love him...or...I love him. (Same thing.) (At least to me, they*re the same.)
In the past I have said that perhaps I shouldn*t be dreaming the dreams and loving who I love...but I do...and I should...
I had wistfully said, with romantic sorrow, the following lines of plaintive longing (which I still feel today):
Yes, I*m a daydreamer...I dream of things I probably shouldn*t be dreaming of...but from the way he is, it seems like he enjoys all of my dreams for him and me.
I am also a lover...loving what I probably shouldn*t love at all...but though he*s free, I am so far away indeed...that we all know this is love of mine is not going to translate into a physical love but remain a spiritual one. Or will it?
Nevertheless I do yearn for his physical presence at times...I have trained myself not to yearn for it most of the time (or at ALL times) because that might lead me into a depression. So I remain quite cheerful, although I stop and stare into space occasionally...yes, I do that...upon realizing that I do long for his arms and his gentle touch.
I remembered this song when it dawned on me that the one you love does not have to be married for a relationship between the two of you to be quite impossible...there only has to be present a "HABIT of relationship" existing in someone, and we do know that habits are hard to get out of (like the smoking habit, although I disagree with TV and governments on their view of smoking...but we won*t discuss that here...just mentioning it).
But why do I continue to love him?? It*s because you cannot shut love off like you shut the tap or faucet. You cannot command your heart to instantly stop loving what it loves.
I do admit that I fell in love with him because he was oh-so-manly and sexy, and had the qualities I appreciate a lot (in a man), and he does these cool things so effortlessly...that my whole being was in a state of ecstatic agitation...So a very good friend of mine kidded with me (referring to the earlier days when I was alone feeling what I secretly felt ) saying that I was "feeling all this excitement from a computer screen alone!" I replied, "FYI, there*s a real human being behind that name and avatar on the computer screen...it wasn*t a just a robot that I was talking to!"
Of course, the situation is a bit DIFFERENT now...JUST A BIT...he and I are aware of some feelings we have...[but he isn*t totally mine (yet?), please don*t assume that.] Today, it*s not just looking at the computer screen wishing this guy knew what was going on with me, and hoping he felt the same way. Today, it*s running off together into some hidden places, sharing life*s dreams and loves.(Again, no, there was no sex involved, just precious moments!) When will I see you again?
Okay...after a day of rest (and sleeping too) I think I*m stronger...I can ACTUALLY comment on this thing! Let*s do it!
I know I said that the melody or tune of this song affecs me...it still does...I checked if it was available on YouTube but I couldn*t find it (Cheryl Ladd hits - Ladd played Angel Chris Munro in Charlie*s Angels, but she had a hit album as well)...I know many of you out there have copies of the song so you know how it sounds...it*s a slow song.
Explaining: "Sharing your life with someone else will do."
Basically, you never plan to fall in love. You cannot say that on such and such a day, you will meet someone who will rock your world.
It just happens. Before you know it, you have already fallen; so deep that you*re stuck with your motor running...in admiration of course.
The tricky part is discerning if this love is a dead-end...if he is already committed. Then again, why must I stop admiring him with all my soul if circumstances are less than ideal?
Perhaps all we can do is make guesses and say right here what those things are that we aren*t sure of. (And in particular, what I am not sure of.)
And SOMEONE said something to me that made me SURE he wasn*t married...the person that said this to me was his girlfriend! What, will she say she does not remember?? Of course she*ll say that, because she*ll lose a fight with him that way, meddling with my peaceful life. That made me think that she monitors each and every female friend he has, and will only allow such friendships if she is SURE the girl is ugly. Something like that I think...
We do not know if this girlfriend is the overly-jealous kind to the point of controlling his actions too much.(a bit of jealousy is normal but too much will make a relationship seem like a war camp)
We do not know for sure if she has access to his DN account (most girlfriends probably do, right? I wouldn*t know because I did not demand access to my boyfriend*s online accounts in the past...although I think he would have shared them with me if I asked) and if so, if she monitors his activities closely like a hawk, forbidding him from answering PM*s from girls (men only).
We don*t know for sure if she even gets mad at comments on his wallpapers, and if she happens to not like them, would ask him to delete the wallpaper itself sometimes.
We do not know if they already live together, and if she finds something she does not like in his PMs, or his wallpapers, we don*t know for sure if she withholds sex or gives him hell and such.
These are things we do not know for certain (even you cannot guess) but most especially, these are things that, as a person that cares about him, I do not know at all;
I think about these things because I think about him a LOT and would like to understand him.
A crush, as defined, is admiration from a distance. If it TURNED to LOVE, as in my case, then I still would not want to interfere, even with him close at hand.
The life My Crush lives depends on his choices and decisions, so I cannot interfere.
We cannot even reason that if someone is unhappy in a relationship, that he should leave it. Saying that to the person already means interference in the way he lives his life.
He once asked me if I was serious about loving him, as if it would affect his life.
The answer to that is YES, I am seriously in love with him.
I will continue to love him from a distance, perhaps never to be with him (because of the circumstances), and so I say "Sharing your life with someone else will do." I*m still here loving him, perhaps for a long, long time until events demand that I stop.
I leave him this song, and many other songs in the future, made by others (well, maybe one day I would be able to dedicate to him and perform my own compositions. Right now very many songs adequately express my feelings {they are my favorite songs besides, and could be his too} and are readily available for a listen!)
This is the very first song I am dedicating to him because of our stolen moments together...that is the only way I can describe what we did...as if we knew we must not be caught or something like that...I had no idea he had a girlfriend...no, no, there was no sex involved!! Just a sharing of our yearnings and some tender moments...you wouldn*t understand (how can there be no sex??) (there was no sex involved, I assure you!)
And if he turns out to be someone who does not care??
Then I guess the point of dedicating this song would be that I THOUGHT he cared, with his wild jealousy and all (I was thrilled that he was being transparent with his feelings that way)...It so happened that I did not want him to be depressed, and so I said, "Hey, Sexy, don*t you know that I am madly in love with you?? Seriously now. Stop moping around that way - I love you, you ultra-hot and sexy jealousy-prone romantic guy!!" mwahh!! *very, very quick light peck on his cheek (somewhat near his lips)*!
So he reassures me...or maybe he reassured her...LoL...
He posted, I think, eighteen -18- messages that were anonymous in a certain place (his blog?? I*m not saying!) ...and they were such loving messages...that got me thinking about whether or not he was trying to tell me something, because I had already told him that I was madly in love with him...it wouldn*t hurt to respond with what*s really in your heart now, would it?...
...so that was the question I posted in my profile and I said to myself, that since he wasn*t giving me indications about his feelings for me, those messages were PROBABLY FOR HER.
[UPDATE: He said they were FOR ME! ]
Note: Since I know him quite well, I*d say some messages are double messages, on one hand, reassuring her that things are as they were (well, I don*t know of his overall plan, but I came see how he wants to handle this for now) and on the other hand, telling me he loves me.
If you ask me, he*s worth the wait (I have now realized that this is a big thing...it could take many, many years before things become clear to any of us...well, I*m in it for the long haul, unless miraculous events intervene and change the courses of our lives. To take the safe stand, I*ll simply bet he*ll stay with her...and maybe one of my long-standing suitors could fit the bill nicely someday.)
It really is up to him, you know...if he decides it*s less complicated for him if he stayed with her, what can I do but accept it? Or if he decides it is her he really loves, then so be it. Really.
On the other hand, if he loves me as much as I love him (and how I love him so!) then there would be a beautiful love story there...and I*ll have my hot and sexy guy all to myself!
The song tells of disappointment, and together with the other song I posted before this one (Here Is A Song)...they form a theme, one which I will speak of in another post.
Why another post? (Because) Words from the song were placed here solely to be reflected upon (by myself or any other who would want to do that).
Since he is so hot, I bet his girlfriend (or girl friend) looks this sexy. I*m just guessing here...
[Asterisks replace the apostrophe because apostrophes do not work in this journal]
(well...I*m hotter. LoL)
(I said that so she won*t get overconfident!
No...regarding the confidence thing, I*m kidding! As written below, she can get confident - or overconfident - if he gives her reasons to be. So...whatever.)
