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[A word to those who insist it is Rafael the Deejay: Just move on, people...Those who insist it is the deejay are like people watching a telenovela that cannot let go of past characters (or dead ones).
I do not have a crush on the deejay, in the same way that I am not in love with my ex. Life goes on.]
If people did not misunderstand and make several unknowing comments regarding how my heart loves or what it is made of (these comments were made after I described my feelings for my DN crush...that ultra-sexy guy that made my heart pound and sing and do all sorts of things), it would not have been necessary to write the Seminar On My Heart!
I guess people ARE so different from one another, certainly men are so different from women, add to that the personality differences in each of us.
~*~In this modern age, people "try" one another like clothes "through sex" to see if there is a perfect fit. I will address that phenomenon as well, because as you already know, I do not agree with such a thing. Here you will know a bit of WHY I am the way I am.~*~
***SOMEONE ALSO SAID I gave my heart and commitment immediately, too quickly and wholesale too, to my crush with such abandon. I will tell you right now that: that is WRONG. You have got the wrong notion, not only about me but about him too.***
[If anything, it will give pointers to others as to how I see relationships (and WHERE does SEX come IN????). Also, after knowing my heart, you, if you are a friend, will at least understand me better. You will know more about how my personality works] (and you will know a little more about my super-sexy crush, even if you do not want to )
[For those who loved to criticize my expression of feelings for my crush, by my writing about those emotions here, I do not know what you are about. Really! So what if a certain girl feels so much for a sexy guy and you have no such strong feelings?]
Anyway, the following 10 Points (brief ones...the basics) illustrating my heart, how it behaves (different from yours, it is safe to presume...) and functions and how I have come to admire my crush are written below.
So off we go to that 10-Point Seminar On My Heart!
Actually, if you are not interested in me you should NOT read it (the seminar)!
* [This 10-Point Seminar On My Heart had to be uploaded or posted in {3 parts} because it would not go through as a whole...]
SO SOME PEOPLE STILL HAVE GOT IT WRONG ABOUT MY HEART...
To make it very clear, I will again number the points of discussion.
1. I am aware that I know how to love and be in a relationship. That is a given. I am single now, and nobody knows if I will ever commit, not even myself! There are so many men on Earth that know that I KNOW HOW TO LOVE and be in a relationship. That is the reason I became famous in the first place...Those song lyrics in my blogs and comments on them...catapulted me to fame. Yes, song lyrics made me famous with the guys. (The secret? It is how you choose the songs and which comes first! It is all in the song lyrics, ladies......Men will tell you..."So THOSE are your favorite songs...thank you for sharing!" and before you know it, men from many nations will say that you do not know you are so beautiful...just because of the song lyrics you posted! Yes that is true. It happened to me!) I DO know how to love, by the way! I explained how in my successful blogs years ago.
2. People have CERTAINLY got it wrong about me regarding crushes, love, being real sweethearts, and also living-in or marriage and I will spell my heart out for you.
3. I do not know if everyone has noticed that: the great number of suitors I have is not really normal. There are so many of them. Some Hollywood actresses have remarked that I do not really deserve the great number of marriage proposals (kneeling down with LOTS of tears) that I have received from what can only be termed "men who have something to be proud about in this world" whether that be intelligence, artistic talent, extraordinarily disciplined and decent character, etc. In other words, great men. So some Hollywood beauties say I do not deserve the attention, let alone proposals of MARRIAGE.
A proposal of marriage TO ME coming from a great man, especially the kind with tears and begging, MEANS that this man, even when he has not experienced having sex with me, having male instincts, is pretty sure I would make a good wife (because of my view of men). They willingly wait for my answer, even when I have told them there is a possibility I would NEVER marry. My heart would flutter in secret love all the time, but a sweetheart relationship, which ACTUALLY might lead to commitment is a scary thing to me.
4. My present CRUSH who happens to be on DN is NOT an ordinary guy. Why? He seems to know me inside and out, got me figured out. Whether this is because he has done research on me or not, he seems to know exactly what to do with me. Pressuring me at exactly the right moments when I need to be pushed, holding back on some, and sometimes giving me advice to be braver about love and relationships...he does it all perfectly.
5. The reason I NEVER WANT TO reveal a secret crush is because TO ME THERE IS NO DIFFERENCE OR VERY LITTLE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CRUSH AND LOVE. In my heart, these two blend together, one leading to the other. This incident of telling my crush of my secret feelings is an isolated incident, because he has revealed a little of his heart to me as well. This situation is rare.
[A BIG NO TO MODERN "CONVENTIONAL" RELATIONSHIPS:....Just look upon me as a wallflower because I will take no part in such.]
6. Points 6 to 8: There are CONTRASTS between the old-style of love relationships and the new modern ways of romance....
So you would know two things about me in this section:
to me a crush bears a very small difference from/to love...at least in my own heart...and the modern ways of love relationships scare me. You will also know WHY they scare me.
A CRUSH OR LOVE in my heart (telling me that a man is special and worthy of all-out love from me), IS DIFFERENT from BEING BRAVE ABOUT actually BEING SOMEONE*S GIRLFRIEND.....It means he is the type I would love to surrender my heart to...It does NOT mean we would ACTUALLY be involved...it is just that HE IS MY TYPE, period. I like the way he thinks and deals with things...I think he is very manly that way...and many other things besides! And he makes me happy every moment without realizing it, because he is so sexy, Period.
.....which brings us to a QUESTION FROM ME: Why, oh why...WHY DO PEOPLE BECOME SWEETHEARTS AUTOMATICALLY if they STILL ARE NOT SURE THAT THIS IS THE PERSON OR AT LEAST THE KIND OF PERSON THEY WANT TO BE WITH FOREVER?
So many enter relationships without first realizing that the other person is their ideal man or woman...or their type! It puzzles me. Dating? Seeing if it is all going to be okay?? I don*t get it.
[You do not have to read this small tidbit about my son...but it just crossed my mind...so others who want to can read it...I am glad that my son thinks this way...He thinks it is so ridiculous of other guys, some his friends, when they keep on having girlfriends, having lots of sex and then deciding "She is not the one I want to marry."
Women do get damaged this way, the way television portrays love with sex. To women, "intense relationships that include sex" means that they have found their Prince Charming - it is their boyfriends that wait six to ten years before "popping the marriage question" or "being sure". And sometimes the proposal does NOT happen, which will leave a woman damaged, not just hurt.
This is the reason my son thinks he would never have a girlfriend...Not that his standards are overly high...but...IS THERE TRUE LOVE THERE? To him, there is no point in being sweethearts if both are not sure they want to marry each other in about two years.]
7. This point, Point Number 7, might clarify what was said in the previous point.
My son*s view of love, sex and marriage (as stated in Point Six above, if you have read it) (it is also my view...but I never inculcated this into my son, never spoke of it to him! Imagine my shock when I realized I did not have to teach him the basics of love and commitment!) is the OLD-FASHIONED VIEW OF RELATIONSHIPS where "A man never pursues a woman unless he is very sure that she is the woman he wants permanently in his life." It works this way:..."So you are NOT SURE if this is the woman you want FOREVER? Then DO NOT pursue her!! Just DON*T!!" My grandparents belonged to that time when women rarely had their hearts broken by a boyfriend!
Today, we see the MODERN VIEW OF RELATIONSHIPS wherein women, in the name of feminism and equality with the men, sleep around a lot (because they willingly imitate the women characters in Sex and the City, they said!), willingly give sex to men who they call their top date, "steady date" of six months or EVEN their regular "FRIEND"(!!)...This FORMS a "modern EXPECTATION from men" of: "Give me lots of sex first so that I may try you and you may try me, to see if we really want to be with each other steadily...and MARRIAGE after all that sex between us MAY OR MAY NOT BE A POSSIBILITY BETWEEN US."
Men do plainly state that this is not something that harms them (as a matter of fact, it becomes the index of their virility, something we should not make a big issue of because men are what they are...men!), but this sort of thing (sleeping-in with their boyfriends for I do not know how often...without that guarantee that he will NEVER leave...as properly declared in front of all their relatives and friends...in a real wedding) is CERTAINLY is very damaging to women (and please stop comparing THAT regular occurrence with the "SPECIAL CASE" "success stories" where, without the benefit of marriage, a couple bring six illegitimate children to this world and have a WEDDING on the 25th year together! How unromantic, and how unsure the guy is in this situation!!).
Usually, and on the whole, women get their hearts broken, when, after giving all that love and sex to a man, a man decides that they are incompatible and cannot be partners for life. This is a very modern phenomenon.
8. Does the above modern phenomenon SCARE me? It sure does. Count me out, okay? First of all, I was raised the old-fashioned way, to only surrender in sex after the wedding...to give sex ONLY WITHIN MARRIAGE. I DO NOT think this upbringing makes me a better woman than those who were not raised this way, but it gives me a more general perspective about wasting time AND being damaged at the same time.
9. MORE ON MY CRUSH and THE SEVEN LOCKS OF MY HEART:
My Crush knows how to carry himself when he relates to me. HIS KNOWLEDGE OF ME TOTALLY SURPRISED ME, AS A MATTER OF FACT!
It is amazing that very few men take the time to get to know me in advance of speaking to me, in order not to scare me or startle me...or make me run away for good. In the light of all this, again, my present crush knows all of the above about me (He is a WONDER!) and knows exactly what to do with me.
He gently encourages me to not be so uptight about men, because he knows that if a man so much as shows interest in me, I wield my sword or my spear (whichever is nearby haha) in defense! How? The usual "spending so much aimless time together to later get seduced into sex" does NOT work with me.
He ALSO knows that my heart has SEVEN LOCKS. The last lock, commitment, was something I have never quite opened in my life.
My Seven Locks a few years back: And so the world witnessed a very famous actor and me, as sweethearts (we did not have sex but I let him have all the sex he wanted with other women) resolve problems (like women claiming him as theirs, not mine..and all that hassle...) but despite my boyfriend buying so many beautiful houses for us to live in (and one mattress alone cost him $17,000.00 - because I liked sleeping!)...we never quite got to the wedding which was supposed to be AFTER he got released from a certain long-term movie contract. (My crush is also right in surmising that this ex-boyfriend is still a candidate in the contest of the men, to see who it is who can get me to the altar...because I really am scared. So this actor is still in the rosters? Well, I have not closed my doors on him, but I have given him my opinion that we might not be compatible after all. What that spells for the future, I do not know, because he still misses me after all that. No, I am not in love with my ex now.)
10. A CRUSH, to me, IS LOVE FROM A DISTANCE, from afar. I feel GREAT, INTENSE FEELINGS for one man when I am in Crush Mode, and to me, I can nurture a crush for 10 years without diminishing the fire of love at all! That is just how I am. That is the reason I feel fulfilled though people call me an Old Maid or whatever. This is just so funny to me! To me, LOVE IS ALWAYS IN THE AIR...yes, in the whisper of the trees and all that. But commitment?? Can we just maybe talk about the mechanics of elevators? Being trapped for life is scary...now what about being trapped with your crush/love??? Settling down with a crush/love? My answer to that is that my crush/love MIGHT turn out to be not be what I thought he was, and so I would truly be trapped!
Right now, the colours are brighter, music stirs my passions...because I think I am in love...I have a manly, sexy crush right now! He knows I am a scaredy-cat...Either he is taking it real slow (I am not scared...so far, so good) or maybe he just wants to be, without any relationship nor commitment, my charming Knight in Shining Armour on DN, the unbeatable romantic figure for me here...and that is it, most probably.
No matter how deeply in crush nor in love I fall for My Crush, this is probably the extent of it. It may not go any further than this...but that is how I get fulfillment! Life just gets very, very exciting with a man to admire! A crush! The other course in life...commitment to another...even my crush says it is a whole new world!! To him it is worth investigating, so he gently encourages me to try new things.
Right now I have everything...THE EXCITEMENT!!! AND THE SECURITY that is a cause for celebration: I AM STILL FREE AND NOT CAGED!!! And my crush is there to smile at me a lot, he lets me be myself...what more could I want?
[Still without saying his name, I added his reactions into my older posts (instead of doing a new one...because the context of the situation is there...). This is a guide to the earlier posts because they have been revised and details have been added...Is there enough romantic tension between us?]
1. In "The REAL Superman" [This is THE MOST DETAILED edit here] my journal post, I added his reactions to what I wrote about my ex-boyfriend.
2. In my post about my crush, the main one, I wrote about his reaction to my Ivy Valentine remark on my profile (I have since removed my Ivy Valentine remark, of course...promptly, as soon as he reacted badly and got so jealous...of course, like I said, he did not know I was referring to him...)
We live by implications...We cannot always use a textbook to judge if there is romantic tension or excitement between two persons.
For me, I think his jealousy is an indication of a romantic inclination towards me.
(These are the three posts where one can weigh things, as in a theory...and exercise sound judgment.)
Well...no one is stopping you...you can go check what I added there in those places...or visit one of those three which you have not visited before...more details (without saying who he is of course)!
[Note: Initially viewed by 3 viewers, deleted after that because of the wrong title, then re-posted]
To console him.
He seemed so shaken by every little thing I did (and do) (and every little item I wrote about some other guy), that I FELT I had to console him by telling him this.
What if you were wrong, that even if he took news badly or whatever, that you did not have to tell him this...he would be fine, etc.?
On Desktop Nexus I am just one of the ordinary members, admiring the kings and queens of DN, (Of course Inspi is one of them) the artists and uploaders who have achieved much especially in contributing art and beauty here. I am just one of their admirers, in other words.
In my private life I see myself as a woman who can do anything she wants like eat ice-cream, carry balloons or umbrellas (I am an umbrella freak), work out to ballet routines, eat steak or tacos, listen to music and the like.
I see myself as a writer too and I believe that whatever we do in life, we would do better if we dedicate it for the benefit of others. That is not a speech. I write to contribute to the world to improve it, teachers teach the youth for a brighter tomorrow, and artists, businessmen and anybody can dedicate their jobs towards the improvement of the world. It is either for them or for you. If your livelihood or work is only for you and your family and your home (exclusively) (and keeping it domestic) then I would say that it is a bit of a narrow focus....but who am I? That is just my opinion.
Definitely, Desktop Nexus/DN is a wonderful wallpaper site where people can also make friends.
Personally, I do not see DN as a dating site or a place where people look for romance or a good time, but I noticed some are doing just that. It is up to them though, and it could probably work for them. They could land the love of their lives.
What am I saying?!? Is it on again, Inspi? I am just kidding. Inspi does not know of my secret crush YET...I do not think I can tell her or anyone yet because it could turn out badly and all that excitement would be for nothing.
Wasn*t that "FORMER" secret crush? As in NO LONGER YOUR CRUSH? Well, since I am single, I can turn it on again...the switch to, well...(we cannot say love) (yet)...to...fascination...and imagining he and I are doing wonderful things. It is all in the imagination. Especially if your crush does not fancy you!
Does he? I cannot discuss this matter with anyone except my crush. (So he knows??) Yes, I told him. What was his reaction? Well depending on my mood...he is like the 70s mood watch that changes colors when you move.
His reaction was of course looking like he welcomed the possibility that I could fancy him, be fascinated with him as a man and all that.
What turned me on was that he reacted (unexpectedly!!) when I mentioned that "to my crush" I was like Ivy Valentine - Winter Edition...I was only kidding because I did not know his feelings...but he made it clear that he was sooo jealous of this guy (it was him!!) that he did crazy things...not violent things but close to it...LoL...kidding again ...nothing ACTUALLY violent...I will not say anything more
He did not know I was sooo turned on that he was showing his feelings for me..He is very temperamental...I do not mind that I attract the type...As long as they are not clinically insane they can be handled with TLC...tender loving care.
Did I say "attract the type"?? Am I admitting that I know that he is also attracted to me? (Very attracted to me??) I really do not know much of what I am saying...but the first love of my mother acted in the very same way that I think I can be at home with his style of loving.
Did I just say loving?? I cannot believe myself here! LoL I say the most surprising things here...I am the most surprised at all!
He is the kind that says, "Come on...you KNEW all along that I loved you from the start..."
What?!? Well, okay I will calm down...
We are on the net. As long as we do not take things to the next level...we are virtual sweethearts.
WHAT!!!!!??? LoL It is like I am crazy, like being two persons here, one daring and the other very shy!
Okay, let us do this...let us lay the cards on the table:
1. I am in love with him (what???)
2. As long as he is not a professional actor, I know that he reacted badly (and genuinely) to jealousy issues/jealous notions
3. We are in a virtual world, where things can be taken outside the net and also where things CAN REMAIN AS IS, within the net, FOREVER
4. As long as he does not make it clear to me that he loves another, and as long as he does not hurt my feelings deliberately, I will not write an update to the effect of saying,"Folks, looks like it is really off this time!" (This is the most insane card on the table because it means nothing if he is committed and I do not know that...we are just letting each other know how we feel and nothing else ...it is the net...it is virtual)
Plus it is the sexiest ones that do not let you know they have wives, they do not speak of it, and later they will tell you, "I did not SAY that I did not have a wife...what is wrong with you?!?"...and so a love story ends and love dies.
So IS HE my boyfriend on DN? Can anyone guess who my temperamental boyfriend on DN is? (what??!?!!!)
Okay...I am losing it fast...just thinking about his sexiness..I mean about him...
I really do not know what I am doing...I was supposed to say.."We WILL see if I love him...the fruit is not yet ripe for the picking..it is not love yet" but here I am explaining Our Love. (what?????????)
It all started when he got jealous of the Ivy Valentine paragraph, folks...or even earlier than that!! Earlier than that??? Okay now I have truly lost it. Let us just hope that my DN boyfriend does not read this. (wha.....???). Too embarrassing. Too crazy. (in love.)
(OMG)
Forget that you saw this crazy entry on my journal.
[Now that I have written this and he has read it, I can see that he is now behaving nicely toward the ladies!...But do not let that fool you! At best, never be close! At least, be careful! Keep it casual! You do not want to end up like his disappearing "Female Best Friend" - who just left without saying good-bye - she was probably scared of him!]
I wrote this entry to clarify matters:
Please do not confuse this Stalker/Banned Person with any other individual, especially not my "former secret crush"...
People are thinking that since the Stalker has somehow hurt me that he must have been someone that meant something to me at one point...NO!!!
So here is the profile of the person in question/6 points on The Stalker/[Gender:Male]:
1. He is the kind of person that you would be cautious about approaching or befriending, because he seems to have a really big chip on his shoulder regarding his apparent resentment of women...in other words, instinctively, you FEEL that he is a woman-hater but you befriend him just the same in order to give him a chance at many friendships on DN
2. He seems sad and forlorn, all the more do you try to forget the warning bells about being friends with this person and just console him (so how many women fell into his pity trap? it is hard to count them!!)
3. Once you befriend this abject and forlorn individual, BEFORE TRYING TO ABUSE YOU he will make you pity him all the more because of his living conditions and his health (you will...*sob*...I know I did)
4. You will start to notice that he becomes a bit irreverent sometimes, saying normal things in a vulgar way, ways in which etiquette would not permit.
For example, I made the mistake of sharing information about myself that I would not have done because of sensitive facts, but I did anyway in order to make this *pitiful* individual feel at home with my friendship.
I waited with bated breath for a real sharing of views on life:
His response? It was something like...
"So anyway, about me..." - there was not even a single comment with what I shared!
Not even one question like..."How do you feel about the situation?"...I was listening to him, discussing the things he discussed, but he never did the same thing for me! At first I tried not to notice, really, thinking he was just tired...
then after a few ONE-SIDED exchanges liken this one I finally snapped...it was like talking to no one...and he kept on talking about himself!
5. What made me leave finally (and ban him) was when he started screaming at me and asking me why I said such things when I did not say anything of the sort! He twisted my words and made it seem like I was a bad person...so I said I did not say anything like that and he just kept quiet upon receiving an angry correction from me (two short sentences..."I did not say....I said....!!!") and he did not apologize.
That was when I realized I was dealing with a self-centered lunatic, a sociopath even, who was only talking to himself and would not even acknowledge the existence of others and their concerns...
He sent me PMs just for me to be his sounding board and to get attention for his aches and pains...
Actually, when I tried telling him more about myself, aside from acting like I never shared anything significant or noteworthy, so he had no comment, he also proceeded to talk either about something in his sorry state or some horrible WOMAN.
6. WOMEN: He always has this story to tell about some HORRIBLE and not just insensitive WOMAN! At first, I got angry at the women for treating him in a horrible manner...REALLY angry at them! It was only later, after I left the friendship, that I realized he really wanted to say awful things about WOMEN ONLY, and was careful to not talk badly about men.
I came to DREAD receiving PMs from this guy.
I realized then that I was dealing with a woman-hater all along. It is impossible to be friends with someone who abuses both your trust and kindness, and just plain abuses you, period.
THOSE ARE SIX POINTS THAT MAKE UP MY BRIEF PROFILE ON "THE STALKER"...I was careful to explain nos. 4 and 5 in some detail to make it clear that it was not anything romantic, like a lover\'s quarrel of some sort...more on romantic stuff at the lower end of this journal entry...
I could call this person a woman-hater but The Woman-Hater has far too many syllables so I will just stick with The Stalker.
To those thinking I was in love with some guy who I subsequently banned, you have got the wrong story. This person, the Stalker-guy was just plain obnoxious and I honestly do not have the time for such a stupidity in my life.
There was some interest also regarding my "former secret crush" and the question of why I deleted that entry on him, which some people got fond of because they wanted to guess who this person is. Was.
Well...uhm...I am not sure I would bring back that journal entry...but maybe I can compromise about describing him a bit in a new entry...JUST SO YOU WOULD NEVER CONFUSE HIM WITH The Stalker. So wait for it...
)
...Men will tell you..."So THOSE are your favorite songs...thank you for sharing!" and before you know it, men from many nations will say that you do not know you are so beautiful...just because of the song lyrics you posted! Yes that is true. It happened to me!) I DO know how to love, by the way! I explained how in my successful blogs years ago.