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The PURITY AND INNOCENCE article...yes...it*s the next in line. The understanding of it is a bit muddled, I wonder what you*re expecting from the article.
I feel like I might put the PURITY article in one of my blogs (the click-through link will be supplied here ) so there would be no restrictions on its length which SHOULD BE the appropriate amount of words, nothing more, nothing less.
Again, don*t wait for me! Someday, the article will appear...
I*m busy designing my other websites in the meantime...! Plus I think I*ll clean my house this weekend...Spring cleaning for a few days!)
I*ve noticed that many are confusing Humility with Insecurity.
WHAT*S THE DIFFERENCE between the two,
since BOTH of these traits USE SELF-CRITICAL LANGUAGE??
Well, I*ll quote someone: Saint Teresa said that Humility is TRUTH. You are humble when you speak the truth at all times and tell others what you honestly think of yourself, without embellishment or the exaggeration of a self-effacing statement.
I always give this EXAMPLE (Based on the teaching of Saint Teresa of Avila) (She*s really so funny, by the way...just a bit of info on her):
Let*s suppose you were born a genius. From the hospital itself, during your wellness visits to the pediatrician, the nurses are beside themselves talking to a three-month old baby who utters scientific facts right infront of them.
Then you go to school and the teachers suspect you*re some kind of a genius. At age ten, the day had at last arrived for your IQ to be tested. Your test results indicate that you*re indeed at the Genius level.
People would then ask you how you fared in the IQ test. You don*t want to sound arrogant. So will you say, "Well the test results said I was at the Moron level." Or "The test indicated I was at the Average level." Or , "The tests actually said I was at the Superior level/Above Average level/Brilliant level/Idiot level." If you said any of these things, when the truth was that you tested out to be at the Genius level, then Saint Teresa said you would then be a LIAR.
Is being a liar good?? BUT...you would say, "I don*t want to sound arrogant and smug and boastful!" You would probably just change the subject to avoid being criticized as boastful. But why wouldn*t you want to be criticized? I thought you were humble. Not wanting to be criticized is a sign of Pride, NOT Humility.
WHAT IF you actually said the truth: "I tested out at the Genius level." Is THAT automatically boastful? Just because people might envy you does not mean you were boastful. Their bad feelings of envy are their problem, not yours. You were telling the truth.
You just REFUSED TO BE A LIAR and you refused to be fearful of what other people might say. You DON*T CARE IF THEY PREFER for you to have been a liar instead, so they would feel good about themselves and feed their own selfishness. You choose to be who you are, to be true and genuine; you mold your own character. Other people have no right to choose to mold your character according to their own comfort level. Humility indeed requires bravery.
Some people are shocked when they hear this teaching for the first time...that Humility is TRUTH, that Humility ALWAYS has the quality of truth within it and not lies. You risk being criticized, you risk being attacked, when you are truly humble!
WHAT ABOUT THE OPPOSITE? What if there was a great singer who was always saying, "I don*t really sing that well"??? What if, out of a grave insecurity, this person just WANTED people to disagree with her, so that she could trick them into praising her?? "Oh no, don*t say that...you*re such a great singer!!!" There is no truth to what she*s saying because she sings better than anyone she knows.
What do we call that bit of trickery/dishonesty/falsehood? We call it Pride, the OPPOSITE of Humility!
At this point my enemies are QUICK to point out a question (and I will answer it briefly although I have another post about it): How comes it (olde English) that you always say you*re not beautiful, when the guys say you ARE?? Are you wishing to be repeatedly praised????? HMMM???????????????????????????????????
(This is Part 2 of Humility versus Insecurity {short title})
So you want to know, based on the principle of "Humility is TRUTH" if I*m engaging in falsehood just so people will disagree and praise me and say I*m beautiful...
Am I beautiful or not...in my own estimation???
I have a separate post on this but I*ll answer with the part that*s related to the topic of The Difference between Humility and Insecurity (and their relation to Truth).
Here it goes:
A bit of makeup (sometimes a lot) (depending on the occasion). On one night, a sleeveless maroon dress with maroon string accents on two edges of the shoulders of the dress. Gold high heels and a smooth and shiny black clutch bag. I was sporting a bit of a natural tan (*cause I went swimming) so I was brown-skinned that night (light brown). The guys were enthralled at a party. Who was this Cinderella walking in the ballroom??
You know, folks, women like me can be a fixer-upper, the improvements do show...and honestly, I can only go as far as "attractive", not beautiful.
"Attractive"?? Isn*t that the same thing as "Pretty"? Well, it*s like this: The guys are indeed attracted when I doll up. And I dolled up on that night that I described. Therefore, since the guys were attracted to me, seeing me in that maroon dress and smiling, we can TRUTHFULLY say that in those moments I was attractive! But ONLY IN THOSE MOMENTS! What more of truth can you desire than that plain fact?
And the conclusion is???? Well, I*m telling the truth when I say I*m not beautiful, and the world at large says so, but maybe sometimes I*m the improved version of myself when I wear pretty clothes, put a little colour on my lips (pink or light mauve lipstick) and let people know a bit of the joy in my heart by smiling.
So we have digressed too much from our main topic, just so we could see the depiction of truth as opposed to false self-assessment. Clearly, I*m not seeking praise when I accurately estimate that I*m not beautiful. Okay? Okay!
[From the above account, I*ve deleted the story about my green-eyed best friend talking in his sleep way back when! I asked him a question and he answered! So I asked him again...etc...
It was deleted because this post wouldn*t load, and some people were returning to check why it was taking me so long to load Part 2.
I had to remove a portion of the post and still be able to drive home the point. Anyway, the story would embarrass him. He does talk in his sleep; so do I, by the way, and he knows that about me. Truth be told, he*s sooo cute when he talks in his sleep. I actually had a hankie under my chin in case I drooled at his extreme, tempting sexiness. Just kidding!!! I didn*t have a hankie under my chin! But I still drooled at his extreme, tempting sexiness...]
Conclusion on the above St. Teresa quote or lesson: ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH! It will help you become more and more humble!
I*ll try contribute to the above great teaching (Humility is TRUTH) of Saint Teresa of Avila:
Humility presupposes that you generally would not try to shout from the rooftops all of your great qualities just to attract attention. But there*s more. You don*t have that aching need to champion your good qualities endlessly BECAUSE you*re happy and satisfied.
On the other hand, Insecurity has a built-in ache within it, a base of bitter unhappiness and Pride (the sin of pride, not the celebration of the success of your loved ones). It is ever-so-ready to try to remove the happiness and triumphs of others.
There really is a great difference between the two, although BOTH bases of character use self-critical language, as we have said.
I guess the quest to study others starts from the query of whether people are basically happy within despite all the troubles of life.
What happens when you get rich AND famous? Or what about if you were famous but not necessarily rich, but then you get an aura such that your value is perceived to be more than riches and money?
Well, first of all if you become rich AND famous too, you can buy a nice car, invest your money, generally make requests of other people who wouldn*t entertain the thought of fulfilling them if you weren*t famous...and basically that*s it...the rest of it is that your family still loves you.
On the other hand, if you got famous and not necessarily rich, but then you get an aura wherein people believe your value is more than gold or riches, then people start offering things to you, whatever they own actually, then they start to let you know you*re loved. Then you stare at them like THEY don*t know what the hell it is they*re talking about when they praise you, and that*s basically it.
Also, your family tells you it*s just that the world doesn*t know how ordinary and boring you are. Just kidding. They love you just the same then ask you to please continue your house chores.
What about people of the opposite sex suddenly desiring and dreaming about you?
Well that too, yes.
Let*s now dwell on that concept of swell-headedness...
And this thing called "fame"...This is when almost everybody knows your name, or who you are...Not necessarily because you did something heroic or beautiful, it*s just that so many know you...it*s just that: being well-known. That*s fame.
My opinion is, if you were truly insecure about your place in the world, then there*s always a possibility that your head would swell, perhaps when you realize that there are so many people willing to die for you, or even to kill for you, whichever applies.
However, if something is true anyway, the number of people who know this truth does not affect your reality. For example, I*ve always been told I wrote well, I*ve won awards for script-writing and all that...What happens to you if suddenly, the world discovers your writing and you*re an instant celebrity? Nothing. I*ve always tried my best when I wrote scripts, and also when I was a journalist, so it*s not like I*ve gotten better now that the world knows about my writing.
Same with being liked by the opposite sex. Before being celebrated by the world for understanding what love really means, I was already famous in my hometown and suitors were already crying if I turned them down. Nothing was new when suddenly populations of men in various countries have courted me and desired my love...they still cry by the way...but this has always happened, and back then when I was younger, when this was happening too, my head didn*t swell either.
But what did I THINK of all this clamour for my hand, and my love?
Well, it*s the SAME THING I THOUGHT when boys cried as I turned them down when I was very young. One even tried to commit suicide so I sent his friends over to rescue him. And??? What did I think of the clamour back then? Nothing. I just figured that since men were lining up to court my aunts and my sister, and even my mother (she was married and young guys were courting her! They wouldn*t believe she had three kids. Try wrapping your head around that one.), then all this was a very normal thing. And the crying guys and the tears?? My Mom told me about it. She said it was perfectly normal.
So now that this is happening all over again, do people think my head has swelled, because it involves so many nations and so many men? I just said, "Hey isn*t it normal for American actresses to be desired by so many men in many different countries? I guess when people talk about you so much this really happens." Look, I knew I wasn*t beautiful. But the guys said I was. So I said, believe what you want to believe. I still don*t think I*m beautiful.
But fame DOES change you, RIGHT???
To us, him and me, and for many famous people I know, fame is a very strange thing. It does not feel real. How can your head swell if something does not feel real? There IS something that*s real though....your group of admirers. You DO feel a responsibility to take care of them because it*s as if they*re depending on you for their happiness and oftentimes they do. But what you don*t understand is why they feel this way about you.
I think the difference between a swell-headed person and one who is still very level-headed is that the swell-headed person starts thinking of how he/she could use this fame, like what sorts of illicit things could be gotten that haven*t been obtained before one was well-known or how one could use people and all that offensive stuff. On the other hand, the one who*s still level-headed never crosses that line. For him or her the issue is still living one*s life the way one would anyway regardless of whether there are many people who admire you or not.
And maybe many people can*t relate to what I*m saying at all. They don*t get that YOU don*t feel the things THEY*RE feeling about YOUR fame. Being famous or well-known never brings the kind of victorious feeling that other people always imagine comes to famous or well-known people.
This is NOT to say that the love and admiration of other people don*t matter. They do. I am grateful to all who admire or love me. Their love makes me strong, able to cope with whatever it is evil people decide to do to me. Everyone is grateful for love anyway and by the way, this is how HE feels about all who love him as well.
We feel the same way about being well-known: we*re still the same as before, still wanting the very same things in life (happiness and love). It*s just that there are more people who know us now.
NOTE: Not that I don*t want for people to read anything here anymore, in fact you can dig into this journal to see how clueless and stupid I was in life...go ahead...but I have a new (secret) blog where I will put all this stuff about him, us and my feelings for him. He does not have to find it or read it.
So...I will be transferring these articles about him there eventually, but not that soon. Just saying...so no one gets shocked or anything, that these things have disappeared from here.
Where is this blog located then?
Well, if I told you its web address, it wouldn*t be a secret blog anymore, now would it?
Neither he nor I are desperate for a show of clout.
HIM: I would NEVER, EVER THINK he was desperate for female company OR sex. Almost all the young, fresh and desirable women of this world desire him, wanting to give themselves to him if only he*d let them. His situation reminds me of Mick Jagger being desired by groupies, and back in those days moralists like myself were too young to speak out and make the case for "No sex before marriage"...Mick, whether you think he*s lucky or unlucky, has had sex with thousands of groupies (fans) after concerts that he can*t really recall how many...
Between drunkenness and getting high after concerts at after-parties, he could estimate that maybe he had sex with three thousand five hundred to four thousand lovely young girls while touring around the world. (And none of it meant a thing to him, by the way. But I guess he enjoyed stuff like that while it was happening. Kicks, I mean...) (He got married, was it four times {??}, to Bianca, and then Jerry Hall and later to two others). Personally I think people expect rockstars, being as sexy as they are, to just go ahead with the pattern, with no rhyme or reason. And yet, the goodies are there. "You*re a rockstar, you typically get all that sex." Personally (again) I think Mick Jagger was so darn lucky he didn*t get STD...I guess he knew how to choose and all that...
Now he, the green-eyed guy that I had a breakup with, is in the situation of a rockstar. All of the above is open to him if he so desires. There is never a lack of women who will give themselves to him, if only they had the chance.
[AN ASIDE COMMENT: For the record though, let me just include that he said in a telephone interview with a famous DJ that he had "no time" for things like "playing around" (with women, he meant).]
(Still, that does not diminish the fact that the world*s young women and a large number of older ones too have declared their availability to him...he will NEVER be desperate for female company, that*s for sure.)
ME: Neither am I desperate for men to love me. Though similar through a lack of desperation, my case is somewhat dissimilar to his. It*s a world of "No sex before marriage", of celibacy, of chastity, of sacrifice in the name of some future true love. I*m priming myself to give the best I can give if I eventually marry, and not squander my affections and tenderness (and body) on just any man out there. It will reduce the anxiety and speculation of the man I will eventually be with, if I have kept my body to myself and not be touched by a dozen men or more.
And since I have a philosophy about the timing of sex (after marriage!) I don*t get invitations to "date" - I get proposals for marriage because the guys know I just ain*t gonna give it up and that*s that. Like I*ve said before, if I kept every real ring presented to me in a proposal for marriage (yes the majority knelt down with tears in their eyes, including celebrities), the rings would fill two huge document boxes, and those are just from the suitors I know of, who have ACTUALLY proposed to me. So just like him, I*m not desperate for male attention nor the intentions of men to take care of me. (I*ll take care of whomever it is who really becomes my partner, by the way. Love is a give and take thing afterall.)
Is all this do-able? What are the specific examples?
Well, he can ask any beautiful girl (any beautiful girl...if one is too busy, then there are others equally or even more beautiful who would gladly take him up on his offer) to go out with him for coffee and whatever else (shopping??) (whatever, THE WORKS, okay?) and he has that manliness (and sexiness) to accomplish that. A handsome and sexy guy asking beautiful women out...what could be simpler?
On the other hand, the guys don*t seem to get tired of reminding me that I matter to them like life itself and they want to grow old with me. They back these sorts of romantic phrases by actual marriage proposals, some even seen by their friends. Although I haven*t made my mind up yet...
We each have our different worlds which we can turn to for strength, you know...but maybe we*re really feeling desperate for the opposite sex and we just don*t know it yet (???)...
I don*t know...I keep changing my mind on this one.
M-Maybe we*re desperate for...each other???
No....
No, no, no....I won*t go there...."I won*t go there yet"....OR...."I won*t go there ever"...yet...or...ever, whichever the case may be.
Or generally speaking, is a love affair that*s ended worth saving? Sometimes yes, oftentimes no.
More often than not, both parties accumulate a history of bad exchanges and more misunderstanding, because they don*t speak much to each other anymore (out of that deadly thing called Pride). ("Pride goeth before a fall..." now where did I hear that?) Whatever is negative gets reinforced. Well such is life, and if it weren*t, we*d have saved lots of romantic pairings by now.
He and I are a bit different from the other pairings though (or once-paired*s? how do you call exes? just exes!). I meant, we*re a bit different from other exes though. Just a bit. Why? Because we*re beyond the common, some say classic, advice served up after a breakup.
AND WHAT IS THIS COMMON OR CLASSIC ADVICE?
It*s quite common, even nauseating to hear this: "Don*t show any sign of weakness, keep your heart under wraps (don*t show it, for crying out loud!), and don*t let the other person know you*re suffering so much. You don*t want to look desperate, you don*t want to look weak, it*s a struggle for power. Whoever is more powerful wins."
My reaction to such a common yet strange advice is, "Wins what??" Keeping one*s Pride intact? Whatever for? Why go on hurting the other person as if it*s what must be done? If two people are meant to separate, they will; if they*re meant to find their way back, they will. In all of this I see no reason to hurt another, least of all the one I have loved much.
SO THEN WHY ARE HE AND I BEYOND ALL THAT?
It*s because we*re giving that extra effort to be really nice and kind persons, the best we could ever be. Whether love is lost or gained, we still stick to our principles of being as kind as possible to others.
In in the present phase of life we*re in (that state of having broken up) the character we have developed in us goes on being consistent, it*s who we are; and we strive to at least not add any more hurt than is already present from the misunderstanding alone.
AND WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER PARTS OF THAT STUPID ADVICE: "Don*t make him or her think he or she is all that special, and wanted by many, because his or her head is going to swell if you did that. Instead, treat him or her like he or she is nothing, easily forgotten, and then you*ll win."
Once again, my reaction to that is "Win what??" Win the game of withholding praise? Win the game of not allowing the other to live a confident life without you?? And why would you want to do that?
And in the first place, he and I are both aware that we don*t need to show each other that we MAY consider others, that is so obvious. There ARE other options, other people we can consider, period.
So having said that, we now do a short recap: All the things discussed in the foregoing are beyond us;
we don*t have to do these things anymore because we*re way past all that...
Pride?
Unkindness?
Showing the other person that there are many other fish in the sea?
Way past that. These things are for children.
I*d like to think that he*s as mature as I am. Otherwise, if I thought of him as a child and not a man, I wouldn*t have agreed to be with him in the first place.
By the time I consent to be with someone (consent to "be an item" and NOT consent to "have sex"!) it*s no longer about "the older one adjusting to the younger one" nor "the younger one adjusting to the older one".
Infact, it no longer is an age-adjustment thing but a man-woman adjustment thing!
(Sexy, innit??) (Okay...I just said that....hmmm...Passions are colliding within me again....STOP MEEEeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!) (Self-control...)
In connection with the above, we can say that if a man is relatively young and just starting to see what the world of dating is like, he may not be aware of relationship pitfalls nor how to choose a love that suits him. So again, it*s a wait-and-see attitude we adopt. Things will come together, things will be clearer, after the passage of time. THEN we would truly know if a love can be saved; specifically, if this love can be saved.
Whether this love can be saved or not, he and I are NOT dealing with inapplicable advice. All this classic advice is probably something that can be used by others, but I doubt that too! Generally, if there is still love in both parties, then you certainly can*t save a love if you keep on hurting each other still.
*Former full title - The Signs He Shows: Can this love be saved?
Please pardon my boldness. Not all who break up with someone come away with a feeling of disgust and hatred for the one left. Some are still in love. In our case, he was the one who got very angry, and I just cut it off knowing where all this was going. After you*ve been called a fake by your boyfriend, what love is there left in him? Would a girlfriend ever think, "Oh he*ll get over it...and then we can continue this relationship!"? Of course not.
So you see, I did the honors, the painful part of saying those words to break up with someone but it was he who wanted to leave. It*s not ironic. It*s all a matter of who doesn*t want to be the bearer of bad news.
I*m being bold because I have the time (and the gall) to ask if this love can be saved. For all I know, he has been sure from the very start of his anger that he did not love me at all.
Therefore, when I*m asking about possibilities, and am entertaining other peoples* question as to whether I think this love can be saved or not, know that I*m just so glad to speculate because all hope is not lost in my heart. Why? Because I*m still in love. While one is in this state (still) all sorts of hope spring up and when people ask, "Do you think.........?", one is just so happy to entertain the possibility.
Why did I write "Can this loved be saved?" (Update: It*s now re-titled INAPPLICABLE ADVICE) anyway? One of the main reasons this piece was written was because I was truly irked about those giving advice on break-ups, as if it were a power struggle when it*s not. Yet they insist it is.
So I*m here to tell them that he and I are way past that, we*re into kindness and we*re not desperate for the opposite sex...Or maybe I*m missing something here...I mean, ARE WE desperate for the opposite sex? With porn and all that and sending dirty-joke-like sentiments to each other??? Wait a minute...Are these sentiments of...love to each other?? No, just sentiments of sex...sexual regret of..."What, you mean we never will get to find out what sex with one*s best friend feels like??" NOooooooo!!!!!! Yes, sexual regret...
There are trade-offs though...I preserve my body from the onslaught of failed trials with men for the sake of the peace of mind of a future love (if any) and so I don*t get to taste what isn*t mine YET or WHAT JUST PLAIN ISN*T MINE, PERIOD. And that*s the body and the sexiness of my green-eyed best friend (or former best friend, whichever way he views the two of us is just fine with me).
That was also written because I wanted to understand it better, coping with a loss...as you know, to women things become clearer once things are talked about or analyzed, and oftentimes we women overdo it, we over-analyze sometimes. While one is in the throes of grief, however, coping mechanisms are permissible.
It was written as much for him as it was for me. Sort of a substitute for the inapplicable, not to mention crappy advice we get out there, all about mistreating your ex and showing him/her who*s more powerful and all that nonsense. Their advice is NOT based on kindness! My hope is that, as we try to cope from day to day (and once in a while , we WILL get the blues), it wouldn*t seem that overwhelming to us, whatever the ending of this love story is.
Things are in perspective and it*s my fervent wish that whatever anger drove the two of us apart, it will cease increasing further, like the usual an-eye-for-an-eye scenario between ex-lovers.
There*s no DEFINITE conclusion to the piece because the future of love, or the future of any one love affair depends on two persons, not just one, and from this early vantage point, it is hard to tell the future (and if anyone knows it, I consider that person lucky indeed! Please do tell me how it ends so I wouldn*t indulge in wild imaginings interspersed with worry of a great future hurt...).
And I thought I was going to write this down in my....okay I*ll be back. (tomorrow) (or several DAYS from now) (don*t wait for me!) (I just forgot to do certain very important things in some of my websites...dealing with identity theft of pen-names...and the impersonation of moi!...But who would.......?????...Urgent.)
[Update: I think I will also have to do a piece on PURITY AND INNOCENCE, one of the issues (derogatory to me of course) brought up by someone who wanted me and my then-bf (green-eyed) to fight...well...you*ll hear what I have to say about this topic...again, it might not be what you*re thinking!]
