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Full Name:Clave Marks
Last Login:1/7/20
Join Date:5/22/09
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JAVAJODIPosted by JAVAJODI   6/20/18 at 11:16pm
AlanasofiePosted by Alanasofie   11/19/15 at 3:24am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   7/12/15 at 7:55am
Mr. Jones, the truck driver, went to see his doctor about feeling very ill.

The doctor told him it was caused from too much stress. His heart was fine, but to try to avoid any un-necessary stress. The driver told the doctor that he was constantly thinking about his children, IF he couldn't work, who would feed the 7 he had, and pay for the clothes, the many pairs of shoes, and his beautiful wife, if he couldn't work? The doctor gave him some pills to calm his nerves.

On his way home he saw a woman walking on the side of the busy highway. He stopped, helped her get into his cab, and drove away. As they was traveling, he asked where her car was, and before she could say anything she collapsed across the console between the two seats!

He drove to the nearest hospital, not knowing what was wrong with her. He helped her out of the truck and into a wheelchair, rolling her inside to the first desk he came to.

A Security Guard came to him saying, "Sir? You can't park your truck there!"

The driver went and parked the truck far away from the entrance. He then hurried back into the hospital, where a woman approached him with some papers on a clip-board to fill out, and to sign-in his wife as she was just admitted into the delivery room... "trying to have the baby!"

He could feel the stress building; felt tightening of the muscles in his stomach; he was feeling more illness brewing.

"She's NOT my wife!" he heard himself scream in the open hallway. "She was walking down the highway!"

Just then, a male nurse stuck his head through a doorway, "It's a girl!"

"It's not my baby, or my wife," said the driver. "Take my blood, or whatever you need, and test me!"

A nurse directed him into a separate room where they drew some blood, then motioned him to sit in the hallway.

An hour later a doctor says, "You are correct, Mr. Jones! It isn't your baby. But," he paused, "you have never been able to produce any children. Why? Because you, sir, are sterile. And most likely have been like this since you was a young child! Did you ever have the measles?"

On his way home, Mr. Jones started feeling extremely ill; thinking of his beautiful wife, and his 7 children.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   7/11/15 at 8:34am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   7/8/15 at 7:31am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   6/14/15 at 5:42pm
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   6/13/15 at 6:27am
Watch this when you tire of beautiful women...


PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   5/28/15 at 7:33am

She's a tall blonde, says, "Hello!"

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching?"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "Uh, no, I'm your son's teacher."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   5/23/15 at 6:43am
Just for fun, I challenge you to outdance the Ross Sisters.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   4/14/15 at 7:03pm
Just for fun; have you seen this i-Gun video?


PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/24/15 at 2:49pm

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/23/15 at 1:51am

Q: What do you call someone who speaks 3-languages?

A: Multilingual.


Q: What do you call a person who speaks 2-languages?

A: Bilingual.


Q: What do you call a person who speaks only 1-language?

A: An American! Like me! :D

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/21/15 at 10:16am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/16/15 at 10:45pm

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/11/15 at 8:09am
A few chuckle lines from the "dilly of them all," Phyllis Diller (1917-2012) who was generating funny lines for years before she really began to entertain.


Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.

The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors is to Eat out.

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve years telling them to sit down and shut up.

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.

My photographs don't do me justice -they just look like me.

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.

Tranquillizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I asked the waiter, "Is this milk fresh?" He said, "Lady, three hours ago it was grass."

The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
-Phyllis Diller


I grew-up watching Bob Hope and Phyllis Diller every Saturday afternoon at our local theater and on TV. She was one funny lady, and she and my mom were so much alike. Clave, each were skinny, laughed the same, had bird-legs, liked to tell jokes, and loved to sing! My mom died 16-years ago, and I miss their laugh!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/10/15 at 7:51am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/9/15 at 7:27pm
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/9/15 at 3:56am
A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb, and one foot in the gutter.

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

The wasted man asked, "Offisher, are you abwolutely shure I'm dwunk?"

"Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was cwippled."

"You think your walking's bad?" said the cop. "You should see how some people park, sober."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/7/15 at 3:11am
Wishing you a safe week-end of fun!
I'm dreaming of the vibrant colors of Spring!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   3/6/15 at 1:58am
Q:"How slick was it where you live?"
A: Very slick, especially to pedestrians...

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