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Journal for amypinkglassJournal for amypinkglass
Feb
4
Happy
It is a cycle that some say is deliberate.

I could not disagree more!

So I am ALWAYS Taken, someone always owns my heart, that my legitimate suitors see no opening to be let in.

Is this my ploy because I am really scared of love from the ones who offer it quite seriously, of being betrayed once I have given my heart and soul to someone? And so I erect barriers...being "reserved" momentarily for a crush that may or may not want me?

And why would I not pick my crush from among them??

It would seem that way although personally I have not even seen a pattern to that effect.

Admittedly, I always fall into the wrong hands...so says the group that watches and deems its judgments fair...my suitors.

The ones I gave my heart to..there were two watched by the world...my actor boyfriend Wolf (a code name) and the deejay. How was I to know in advance that they worked for the other side...Freemasonry...Satanists?? One claims to be an atheist, the other Christian...yet in reality, both were with the Masons (Luciferians). I always learn of it when it is too late.

So now I am both cautious and fatalistic. That way, nothing can throw me off guard. No matter how much affection I have for a crush, ultimately I always believe in destiny...what must be. I am quite prepared to lose a romantic loved one if the tides so dictate, if this is the flow of life.

I always give the one I love the benefit of the doubt though...and that makes the waiting of my real suitors long indeed.

No, I am not avoiding them (the ones that have proposed marriage...well some have gone on to marry another...but basically, most of them are still with me).

It is just that what I like or seek in a man was found in these guys that I liked before...and it turned out to be so untrue, they were the opposite of what they seemed (unfortunately).

As the years go by, I get more and more scared of what is to happen. Yet, I pity the lonely ones that need my caring, so many of them...why? They have decided I could give the love they want.

The thing is I can only choose ONE from among them...this makes my sudden shift into Crush Mode seem like a deliberate avoidance...and so I am always not available.

The guys ask me what I am looking for in a man...presumably so they could BE that and thus win my love.

But I want a man that does these things naturally, without rehearsal, because that is how he really is.

After a man wins a woman, he tends to relax and stop being what the woman he was pursuing wanted. Whereas if a man did these things naturally, he would still be that way even after he relaxes afterwards.

That was my basis for falling for my present crush. All the things I have ever wanted in a man, he just did naturally. That is hard to beat.

So how long will I (my heart) remain TAKEN? For as long as the love story or crush story between my crush and I remains alive.

And if it dies, just like it died with Rafael and Wolf?

Then I would again gravitate towards the kind of man I have always wanted...until we see a nice ending to the story, IF EVER there will be that. I give the guys no clues as to what it is I am looking for. That way, they will be UNABLE to strategise in order to win my love.

Is it worth winning my love? Why would any man go through all that trouble to win my love?

I usually have answers to questions...but that is one area I never understood...why they go through all that trouble to win my love.

And so now I am TAKEN...to them I am ALWAYS TAKEN. Just my heart, not legally, but then again...it is really the heart that matters to them.


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