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Journal for 024ellebazilJournal for 024ellebazil
01 Apr 10 Thursday
Oh no, more reading for the masses
Current mood: bummed
Category: Romance and Relationships
So, another day, another nightmare. All hamsters in a metal rolling cage that just keeps going around as long as we decide to play the game of life. Well, fuck that. I'm sick of biting my tounge and expecting people to see what I'm really trying to say to them. You know, I'm a trusting person at first, until you give me a reason not to. Then you better stick your head between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye, because I'm not gonna talk to you much after that. Dont play mind games with me ok? If you like me, fucken tell me, I'm not a mindreader, I dont know what you're thinking. If you just want to be friends, that's fine, but tell me. Dont let me be strung along on high hopes thinking that if I give it a chance it'll happen. Then it goes on for a month or so, you start telling me you're going out with another chick and I'm upset because stupid me, I thought you were flirting with me. Just no mind games, guys, ok? They're only fun to you and they hurt the other person. So just play nice. I am kinda looking, but I'm not gonna be serious about it. I'm done with being played along with, and I'm done with being a playtoy for you to get bored of. If you want friendship, great, that's fine. I just dont want to be hurt again. I was so wrapped up in everything before and to be dropped from that feeling, the loss and the depression after. Feeling like you'll never mean anything like you did to anyone again, because when you look around you cant find anyone to feel like that about either. Its just one epic suckfest, and the more I play along the more I realise nothing is worth this much effort. When did getting together with someone else mean completely being on eggshells and wishing for the night to end. I love my guy friends, they're all amazing people. Would never consider dating them, but that's just because they're like brothers to me now. But so far, most of the dates I've been on just epically sucked. I didn't feel comfortable, and thats not fair to them either. I just can't wait to get out of this damn town, its oppressing and it stinks and the people here can all be influenced by rumors and heresay. No matter what you've heard and I dont care if you've heard it from 15 different people, I'm not a fucking witch, and I'm not a cheat, or a liar, and I haven't been. I dont plan on being one, and to all of you who choose to believe such bullshit, one big FUCK YOU is waiting on your doorstep. Pat yourself on the back and tell yourself how much of a social mokery of cattle you've become. Great job!! ;D Without you guys I dont think I'd even have a reputation to live up to. On the other hand, I really do believe there is a good guy out there with bad boy tendencies who nurses hurt, broken animals back to health because he knows what its like to be left alone with no one to care for you. I just pray to God everyday that he's not gay and he's somewhere close, or somewhere I'm going to be one day before I get too old to even consider dating anymore. Please you guys, I need advice here. Am I being to hard on you? Am I not looking around the right places? Or am I just being an old-fashioned hopeless romantic.... destined to be an ugly old lady throwing cats at passers-by and helpless little children who loose things on my property? Let me into your heads, I wanna know what I'm overlooking here.

In the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete
Drawn only to be washed away
For the time that I've been given
I am what I am

I'm feeling really sentimental right now. Feelings that I need to get down, written, explained. I dunno maybe other insights can help, maybe not. I'm still not so sure about this whole dating thing, it's like this: you meet someone, and you really get to like them, then all of a sudden, you're just not that into seeing anybody anymore. Sure I miss the cuddling, and the kissing, and of course the sex. But, and this is a big but (I know a few things about those haha :p), I don't want to single out with any one person right now. I completely didn't act like a teenager while I was one, I acted like I was married to a guy who I dated for a really long time. I was stupid enough to think he might actually ask me to marry him one day after he was asking questions about my ring size and what metal I prefered (and not music metal, but the expensive shit). I never got to experience the whole I like him so I'll date him for so long thing, never really wanted to actually. Thought all that was so, I don't know, stupid maybe. Now I see why people do it. Long-term relationships are tough. You go through sooo much bullshit. The ones who make it through all the bullshit and the fallouts are the ones who can make a shitstorm look like a falling mist of springtime rain. I don't know how many times we fought with eachother, how many times we had rough patches, and got over it. We couldn't see or talk to eachother for almost a month durring the summer and still made it another 4 years. Any other realtionship I can think of, most likely, wouldn't have made it through half the shit we did. That's what you call a true love. I believe I'll always love him, even to this day I miss the person he was, not the one that would ever think I might in the slightest been unfaithful, or lied, or fell out of love with him, but the one that would stand up for me no matter what anybody else thought of him, no matter how much trouble he would have gotten in.
On the other hand, it was time for us to go our separate ways. His mom was so much into our relationship. You know that saying two's company, three's a crowd? Yea... got a little crowded, I must say. Also, it was really strange, I got a feeling like there was always something hidden from me, everytime I walked in a room the conversation hushed, or was taken into another room with locked doors, he talked bad about me behind my back to his friends, I know because I was being bad and eavesdropped one day. What I heard was seriously painful. This was someone who was supposed to love me, even with all of my faults. I was devestated. Like a hole was ripped open in my chest and my heart was torn out just to be smashed on the floor in little bits of glass and salt only to be sewn back in with a rusty 00 gauge needle and dental floss. Where did I go wrong? What happened between year one and year five that we made that wrong turn and just fell into that black pit that we couldn't get ourselves out of? Did I change? Did I get boring? I still like the same metal bands, still mosh my ass off in the pits I go to, I still look pretty damn good naked if I do say so me self. So what changed?
So, I think its definitely overdue for me to hang out with the girls, get smashed, and talk about the guys. Go out and have some real fun, like going out and seeing who can get the most numbers, or who can drink the most alcohol without puking. I don't know tho. Sometimes, I think it gets really lonely, especially around this time of year. Its tough, but I'm not ready to have anything serious, even so. Hopefully eventually the right tattoo'd metalhead will sweep me off my feet and then I might consider something, but right now, its time to be a youngin

There's always reasons to make mistakes. Because then you do new mistakes next time. So they're beautiful mistakes.
Ville Valo
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