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Full Name:Ila Turner
Last Login:10/30/21
Join Date:9/29/13
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PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/15/15 at 9:55pm

A man dies, and his wife takes him to the Funeral Home and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing. The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing."

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, "There's no charge."

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit," she says.

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice."

"So, I just switched the heads."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/14/15 at 8:27pm

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

"But I... you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/10/15 at 5:53pm

Jason has just come home from a long day at his Photographic Studio. His wife, Becky, meets him at the front door, and kisses him on the cheek.

Becky says, ”Did you bring home the snapshots like I
asked? You probably didn't! You never listen to me! You never remember anything! Oh! You did get them. Well,
thank goodness for miracles. Let me see them! This shot
is terrible and this one is even worse. Oh, my God! This
one is horrible and this one is a disaster. In fact, this is
the worst lot of photographs I have ever seen in my life!
You can’t do anything right! You can’t drive a car properly! You can’t even change a fuse.
You can’t sing in tune, and as a photographer, you are the worst! Just take a look at these pictures: in every one of these, I have my mouth open!”

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/10/15 at 8:06am

The preacher's Sunday sermon was 'Forgive Your Enemies.'

He asked how many of the congregation have forgiven their enemies? About half held up their hands. He then repeated his question. Now about 80 % held up their hands.

He then repeated his question once more. All responded, except one elderly lady.

"Mrs. Johnson, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any."

"Mrs. Johnson that's very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-three," she replied.

"Mrs. Johnson, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person cannot have an enemy in the world?"

The little old lady tottered down the aisle and when she got to the podium and spoke into the microphone, she said, "I've outlived every one of those nosey hags!"

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/7/15 at 6:35pm
Hello Ila!
How's your weather today?

We are having Autumn weather; cool nights and mornings with warmer days.
I'm wishing that you receive all that you may desire!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/3/15 at 4:16pm

............................TODAY IS A GOOD DAY........................

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/29/15 at 4:38am
Have you seen this?
Taco Bell fires a male employee after this photo was viewed online, about a store in Ohio, USA.
The employee was fired and the entire store employees were re-trained on how to conduct themselves concerning cleanliness, and preparing clean food. The State Board of Health inspected the store.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/26/15 at 9:50pm

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time.

When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and... there’s no punch line.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/25/15 at 10:27am
What can you never eat for breakfast?

......................Lunch and Dinner..............................

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/21/15 at 8:59am

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/17/15 at 11:21am

A construction worker accidentally cuts off one of his ears with an electric saw. He calls out to a guy walking on the street below.

"Hey, Buddy! Do you see my ear down there?"

The guy on the street picks up an ear and yells back, "Is this it?"

"No," replies the construction worker. "Mine had a pencil behind it."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/13/15 at 8:22am



PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/12/15 at 8:39am
Your actions today may enlighten someone's otherwise dull life - forever!
Enjoy your life, because (unlike a cat) we only get one chance!


PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/11/15 at 11:58am

An Army Captain's become a Company Commander. He is in his new office, unpacking his stuff and setting things up, there is a knock on the door. The new Captain wants to impress his new soldiers, so he sits down, picks up the phone, and says, "Come in."

A private enters the room, the Captain holds up his finger and starts talking, "Ok General, thanks for the invitation to dinner at your house. I'm excited to be here and thanks again for hand picking me to Command this unit. See you Friday night. Bye."

He hangs up and looks at the private and says, "Hey there, what can I do for you?"

The private says "Good morning Sir, I'm just here to hook up your phone."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/10/15 at 9:02am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/10/15 at 6:22am
Having more fun after Ila broke the brakes!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/7/15 at 8:14pm

I'm feeling hungry, Ila. I'll be back after I've had lunch!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/5/15 at 10:40am


Kick-off your shoes, get comfortable, and relax, Ila! It's the week-end!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/4/15 at 10:14am

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   9/2/15 at 8:49am

A Mother visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, his son spoke, “I know what you're thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates."

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying,
“Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

He said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, your son.

Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and
I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her.
But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love, Mom

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