| Do you all WANT to know WHY I think it*s FINAL??
THIS IS AN OCTOBER 13TH UPDATE - to an October 8th post - right on this page - where I announced that I had an article called "Consider Me" - a detailed post about the various complexities {read: NOT simple at all} that lead to the demise of our relationship...Nope...No one was being evil in the relationship, and we weren*t mistreating each other (like he wasn*t beating me up and I wasn*t nagging the hell out of him)...We were nice to each other....
These are ruminations I*ve thought about just about now, as of this writing:
Harry is great, he*s awesome...but he*s in a place WHERE I AM NOT...In other words, right now, WE*RE NOT ON THE SAME PAGE, and apparently, WE DON*T WANT THE SAME THINGS IN LIFE.
For me, it*s REALLY OKAY if a man wants variety in the women in his life....if he really wants lots of different women all at the same time...that*s HIS PERSONALITY and he shouldn*t be condemned for his preferences and for who he is.
There will ALWAYS be women who will agree to all that he wants because they*re scared of losing him.
I have to admit that my feelings for him have changed somewhat these past few days, starting last October 11th...there has been like a "gear shift" in my feelings.
Suddenly, I*m no longer willing to put up with any complex arrangement. Suddenly, it*s okay with me that some women don*t want to lose Harry at all (it used to be NOT okay...I was so jealous)...because suddenly, it became very okay for me to lose him as a lover. He has always been my friend, and for the greater part that I have known him, I*ve always thought that his sexiness WASN*T FOR ME SOMEHOW...That kind of sureness or conviction has returned to my heart. So at any rate, I*m still his friend...and back to thinking..."Him and me?? Nah...Impossible!!!" (It wasn*t just his age...It felt so..."not right" at the time...)
Well...back to the bewildering things about the women in Harry*s life- It*s ALL okay suddenly! And with so many guys out there calling out to me, WHO ARE ALL ON THE SAME PAGE AS I AM...WHO WANT THE SAME THINGS OUT OF LIFE...why should I force myself to fit into situations that make me uncomfortable?? Many will get it and say that I probably don*t love Harry enough. Just like with Wolf, to whom I put my foot down when he said he could "maybe want two girlfriends" (at the same time)...I didn*t love Wolf enough to GO ON with talks about "my sacrifice" and all that...there just wasn*t enough love for me to go on fixing "us". No more motivation.
I do tell myself that SOMEDAY a man will come along, whom I will love so deeply as to be willing to be his 10th wife in a 10-wife polygamous marriage...Someday, when that guy comes along, I WILL BE WILLING, because I will LOVE HIM ENOUGH to want to be in a complex situation and to want to make a sacrifice...to go through hell and high water for a love. Not yet. Right now, I*m just too traumatised for all that. And that guy*s not here yet.
Why should we turn ourselves into pretzels trying to achieve the impossible, trying to convince everyone we want to continue a love affair forever, when deep inside we don*t??? So many of us do that. Suddenly, I have demands on myself: I want a quiet life with one man THAT LOVES ONLY ME...BUT THEN, I*d rather be alone in a simple life than jump with excitement in a complex, glamorous life. That*s me. I*m probably meant to be alone because I don*t want to adjust to anyone anymore, I feel I don*t want to love or give to a man anymore. My feelings have been destroyed from the TIREDNESS, the fatigue from giving so much OR if it was JUST PLAIN GIVING, I may have not been receiving much, but I wouldn*t know that, now would I? When we love, our focus is naturally on our loved one and not ourselves....
I want to REST now...I DESERVE to rest now (I*m OLD, remember?) (Yes, I know some dames are KICKIN* at 87...well I*m NOT one of them!)...
And I*ll tell you something else: I was TRAUMATISED by the ROMANTIC PEOPLE of this world...Nakaka-diri kayo talagang-talaga lang!!!...All you romantics are truly disgusting!!! (advising me to fix things with Harry, AS IF you knew my feelings! - *KADIRI KAYO!!!)
Since I don*t want to give my love to any man, that includes Harry.
I want to be ALONE, with no boyfriend.
ALONE, ALONE, ALONE...I LOVE that word so much now!
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