| I have NOT banned him at all, My Crush. Things, though, have changed a lot. He has to do many things in order to insure that the decisions he has made remain that way...he has decided to marry the mother of his children because of the threat of her taking them far, far way...so he has decided that he*d stick to his decisions no matter what...a manly trait, y*know...
Yes, HE*S SO DARN HOT AND SEXY!...that*s why he*s My Crush! And when I say someone*s my crush I am actually madly in love with him. That*s just how I say it. "Crush"...
Sexiness in is something money can*t buy or match. It*s just there, or you*ll realize it*s there, like when someone changes. It pulls at you even when you*re not willing to be pulled. Even if you say,"Well, I*ll hold back about five more years...that*ll keep me safe from love*s hurts, at least for now..."
(NOTE THAT some people have actually said, "Sure money can buy sexiness. Look at how billionaires have their way with women!" People, we*re never talking of materialistic ladies here, who do exist just as materialistic men do. These types judge someone, ANYONE according to monetary considerations, who has more and whatnot...we*re not talking about those who measure others only that way...We*re talking of normal folk, who get blown away by personality or intelligence or passion or soul.) We*re actually talking about what turns a woman on about a man*s essence.)
The measure of a man is what he would be worth if he lost all his money.
The value of a man is who he is.
What do I mean? I mean that a man*s manliness (and let*s add his sexiness to it!) is the measure of his essence, who he is. ALL that he wants to achieve in life, status, power and/or even monetary achievements ALSO comes from who he is, so all the way, he operates from his essence. But we all know THAT, don*t we? Sometimes though, we have to articulate it.
Yeah, I*m being philosophical. I do that when I*m in limbo, not knowing if I would lose someone for sure...because he still misses me...Let*s wait for a definite time when we can say we know what*s up.
[UPDATE: Now*s the time. Just read the update below...entitled...uhm...UPDATE.]
And so far...what?
Love cannot be lost just by willing it so.
I*ve said, also on my profile, in the past, and I always say it, that you just can*t shut love off like the faucet or tap. It continues to live if it wants to. There*s just no way to control love, who we love, when we fall in love and why.
That*s why we say "we fell" in love...we didn*t mean to, actually, but we fell.
So right at this moment, I still love him, I miss him, and get nightmares every now and then.["Shane...come back, Shane!!! NNnnoooooo!!!!!!!!"]
Everything in my heart regarding him is all up to him. If he wants me enough he*ll come for me. that*s what I*ve always believed. Love is all about fate for a woman. A woman cannot say "Be my life-partner" to any man!!...It\'s the men who decide if they want to chase you or not...it\'s always about what would be worth their time, it\'s their choice...Now if a woman has enough men chasing her, then it\'s her choice, she can then pick from among all those men that want her.
So if he doesn*t come for me or give me news like,"I\'ve decided to be with you instead of her" then we\'re working with nothing here...or at least by myself, I\'m actually waiting for nothing.
Whatever he decides is just fine with me...Really. Eventually I could lose him even if he says he misses me sometimes.
If I really am not his love, this is NOT the time to know that. Well at least that*s what I think...that we BOTH are "not sure" somehow. (wishful thinking again)
I think he and I are experiencing ambivalence, when you*re not really sure you want to let go (In other painful words, I*m his back-up plan. No I don*t mean to accuse him, but if you*re not sure, there*s pain for the one who*s wondering if you*ll marry your fiance or run away.)
[UPDATE: March 28, 2015: "I could have saved a broken heart if I found out long ago..."...Just that one line from a song, not the entire song, because the whole of it does NOT apply...but this line does...to my situation. I could*ve saved myself from falling if I knew from the start that he HAD ALREADY BELIEVED those who have spoken against me.
But THE QUESTION REALLY IS: Now that I*ve found out what he thought of me to begin with, and the rest was just madness, whether it was pretend jealousy on his part or whatnot, maybe it was real jealousy and caring (right?)...maybe for a while he slipped and actually was a bit attracted to me...maybe he was just drunk while staring at me and the waitress just kept serving him beer...so there was some insanity there...he*s nicely recovered, right? -
- the question now is : Does "t h i s" CHANGE his value, his worth in my eyes???
I think not. NO. I could*ve saved myself from pain, but really now, he is TRULY, in fact SO DARN HOT AND SEXY!!! And DOWNRIGHT MYSTERIOUS, the thing that drew me in. Now that I know WHAT he has ALWAYS thought of me (not so good!) all I can say is: Lucky is the girl who wins his wild and sexy heart! (So far, NO WOMAN has WON its FEELING yet! But SOMEONE at least is SOOO LUCKY to, a FEW MONTHS FROM NOW, have the LEGAL RIGHT to demand sex and tie him up and...)]
Oh, was this profile more about him? Well...what is about him is about me too! He changed who I am; having loved him, I now have loved more.  |
