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Journal for Samarra28Journal for Samarra28
I can't blame people for not understanding exactly what agoraphobia is--I don't get it myself and I GOT it. :)
Unfortunately, as with any handicap or flaw, it comes with a stigma attached and no one really wants to talk about it.

Let's face it, it's humiliating as hell not to be able to do something so fundamental, so very basic, to life. Therefore, we project our own fears and insecurities onto that which we ourselves fear.

Who in their right mind wants to live a life dependent on other people for the simplest things??
Not me, but I do, and I gotta tell ya....it's draining and aggravating and every single thing in between yet I grit my teeth and smile at the world when what I really want to do is SCREAM.

I'm not so different than you because of this one thing, this "condition', for lack of a better word.
I'm not weird, or lazy, or someone to be pushed aside because you don't get it.
I'm not less intelligent, or feeling, or any one of the things you might think up.

And try explaining this for the first time to a new acquaintance when asked the inevitable "What is it that you DO?"
Watch the eyes avert, or the conversation come to a grinding halt when you stumble to explain.

Just ask me about it....it's OK.
I'm way past being embarrassed or guilty for having something I nevr asked for or did anything to cause.

This may sound angry and I admit there is some lurking behind the hurt, but there is also some false bravado too because way down deep, I am just as insecure and wary and lonely and there is a deep need, as there is with everyone, to be accepted just as I am.

So please...........

Just. Ask. Me. :)
One of my favorite comedians, Doug Stanhope, has a hilarious and too true skit on what he terms The Carnival.
Simply put, it's an insomniac's head, kicking up into high gear like a circus come to life, at night.

Well, my personal playground was lit up like a Christmas tree last night.
Good Lord, the crap that goes through there is unbelievable. Take a listen to Doug and he nails it.

I suppose my current situation feeds into an already twisted mind...and by twisted I just mean, bendy and curvy like a labyrinth with dark passages and sudden stops, nothing more sinister than that.
I think.

I'm on my third caffeinated beverage and feeling pretty punchy and loopy...not a half bad feeling...shit it's something....any thing, any feeling is preferable to the numbness I've been wallowing in lately.

Got my ticket ready for tonight.....can't wait.
Think I'll try writing out my thoughts here, in some coherent fashion, since the jumbled mess that is my brain at the moment needs some direction.

It's been a very nightmarish 2 years for me. July 5th of last year I lost my dad to Colon Cancer. A very long drawn out battle which, unfortunately, we got to witness since we took care of him at home. Alone. Me, my mom and brother. No Hospice because my Dad didn't want anyone but us around.

I would never trade those days'...hours'...sacred minutes for anything but I also know that what was seen in those last precious days'...hours'...seconds can never be unseen and yet another scar is deep and permanent. We build up so many in a lifetime.

Now, my mom isn't doing so well and can not get around any longer so my days' and nights' are dedicated, once again, to helping her.
As for now....I don't really have much of a "life"
Don't know that I ever did really. I'm an agoraphobic but not completely housebound.
I've been married, divorced, partied my ass off and got into heaps of trouble when I was younger...did all the required adolescent angst crap....but so many things seem to be out of my grasp. So many unrealized dreams.
I'm limited but then so many people are and I try to remember and hang on to that.

Today is a good day.....tomorrow, who knows. But I've been through too many who know's to finally
get that I can come through it.
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