| 2012
continued.... (And here\'s the link to Part 1 in case you missed it)
http://my.desktopnexus.com/CollieSmile/journal/elaines-sinfully-delicious-turkey-with-a...
Try one last time to find the giblets. When they simply don’t show up, it’s time to substitute your Spice of Assumption for the missing giblets. Assume that the company that froze your turkey got chintzy and took ALL the giblets from ALL the turkeys to make a bunch of gourmet liver pate for a posh mail-order company. Then forget them.
Next, dig your giant stockpot out from under your sink or wherever you keep it. You have a real inspiration―you will BOIL the turkey! After all, people do boil chickens, don’t they? And no basting required!!! Heave the turkey into the stockpot and discover that it STILL doesn’t quite fit.
Remove turkey from stock pot and put on large cutting board. Take a big knife and try to hack the turkey apart to MAKE it fit into the pot. Discover (after extensive hacking) that the turkey does not WANT to be cut apart. Put it back into the stockpot, resolving to hack it apart at the cooked end after it\'s partially boiled.
Fill the stockpot with water. Turn on high. Wash your hands and go read a book or play Tetris on your computer. At last you have gotten the troublesome bird off of your hands for awhile!
You will be surprised at how quickly the pot begins to boil. You will be even more surprised by how quickly a strange thick smoke oozes up from the water of your big pot. Quickly throw open the doors of your house to keep the smoke alarm from going off and to share the pungent aroma with your neighborhood.
Remove pot from the burner. By now you’ve decided that the weight of the turkey against the bottom of the pot must be what caused the scorching. Discard all of the liquid and put the turkey back on the
cutting board. Hack at it some more with a knife with minimal success. Decide that this is a job for Superman, your husband, or whoever walks in the door first. Let the turkey set and go back to your book or your Tetris game.
When your husband (or whoever) gets home, he will be truly amazed at the sickening smell that is permeating your house. He will be even more amazed at the sight of the hacked-up 15-pound turkey. If you are lucky (as I was), he will compassionately try to help you figure out what in the world happened.
It is at this point that you will most likely discover the SURPRISE. The giblets! There they are! They are well done―and scorched to the bottom of your stockpot! How did they get there? Apparently, the
turkey company was NOT chintzy after all!
Solve the mystery by having your husband cut open the turkey at the most scorched part. Inside you will find the melted remainder of the plastic bag that your giblets were in. NOW you know where the black smoke REALLY originated from.
Try to rinse the turkey off. Discover that the plastic odor has really sunk into the bird.
If you think you will enjoy burned plastic-smoked turkey, have your husband try to fit it into your roasting pan to bake in the oven. More than likely, you will NOT appreciate the smoky plastic bird’s odor. As I said in the beginning, this recipe is not for everybody! In that case, insert the carcass into a garbage bag and discard. Then, heat leftovers or go out to dinner.
NOTE: I did make this recipe, as written, when I had been married for 5 years, in 1988. My husband got this turkey from his company as a Thanksgiving bonus. Fortunately, this recipe was not made for Thanksgiving dinner itself. I took it out of the freezer on a dreary day the following January, and prepared it as detailed in the recipe.
I enjoy turkey very much and I have a simple and delicious recipe for turkey drumsticks that I make quite often. But to this day, I have never cooked a whole turkey. For some reason, nobody lets me.
All opinions on this recipe are welcome, especially if you try making it according to my instructions. 
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