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PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   1 Hour Ago
Before Marriage:

Boy: Ah at last. I can hardly wait.

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

Boy: No don't even think about it.

Girl: Do you love me?

Boy: Of Course. Always have and always will.

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me?

Boy: Never. Why are you even asking?

Girl: Will you kiss me?

Boy: Every chance I get.

Girl: Will you hit me?

Boy: Hell no. Are you crazy?

Girl: Can I trust you?

Boy: Yes.

Girl: Darling!

After Marriage: (Read from bottom to top)

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   Yesterday at 3:51am

Funny, sexy, beer commercial made in Gemany


PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/21/15 at 8:05pm
Go and do everything you want to do, experience life as a daredevil, be as happy as a care-free child!

"You'll be fine," the Doctor said after finishing the young woman's surgery.

She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have sex again, Doctor?"

The Surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened.

The girl was alarmed, "What's the matter Doctor? I'll be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine... It's just that... no one has ever asked me that question... after having their tonsils removed."

gubiciiPosted by gubicii   11/19/15 at 6:21pm
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/19/15 at 4:14pm
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/15/15 at 6:03pm
WHY NOT? We are alive, we are free, and through God's love we deserve to be happy! :)


I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O.

This dyslexic man walks into a bra.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.

I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/9/15 at 7:02pm
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/6/15 at 6:34am

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/4/15 at 6:37am
You're only as old as you think you are! :)


PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   11/2/15 at 5:46pm

My mother has always been horrible at telling bad news.

I came home and found my mother looking very distressed.
She told me that she was having a bad day and felt really terrible.
Next, she confessed to having an affair with our neighbor.
And she also said that I couldn't tell dad.

"Why not?" I asked.

She replied, "Because he's just passed away."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/31/15 at 6:13am
PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/29/15 at 2:56pm

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/28/15 at 4:24pm

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older:

#9 Death is the number one killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may become a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/26/15 at 6:59pm
A successful businessman was growing old and knew it was time to choose a successor to take over the

Instead of choosing one of his Directors or his children, he decided to do something different. He called all the young executives in his company together.

He said, "It is time for me to step down and choose the next CEO. I have decided to choose one of you."
The young executives were Shocked, but the boss continued.

"I am going to give each one of you a SEED today - one very special seed. I want you to plant the seed, water it, and come back here one year from today with what you have grown from the seed I have given you. I will then judge the plants that you bring, and the one I choose will be the next CEO."

One man, Jim, was there that day and he, like the others, had received a single seed. He went home and excitedly, told his wife the story. She helped him get a pot, soil and compost and he planted the seed. Everyday, he would water it and watch to see if it had grown. After about three weeks, some
of the other executives began to talk about their seeds and the plants that were beginning to grow.

Jim kept checking his seed, but nothing ever grew. Three weeks, four weeks, five weeks went by, still nothing.

By now, others were talking about their plants, but Jim
didn't have a plant and he felt like a failure.

Six months went by -- still nothing in Jim's pot. He just knew he had killed his seed. Everyone else had trees and tall plants, but he had nothing Jim didn't say anything to his colleagues, however, he just kept watering and fertilizing
the soil - He so wanted the seed to grow.

A year finally went by and all the young executives of the company brought their plants to the CEO for inspection.

Jim told his wife that he wasn't going to take an empty pot.
But she asked him to be honest about what happened. Jim felt sick to his stomach, it was going to be the most embarrassing moment of his life, but he knew his wife was right. He took his empty pot to the board room.

When Jim arrived, he was amazed at the variety of plants grown by the other executives. They were beautiful - in all shapes and sizes. Jim put his empty pot on the floor and many of his colleagues laughed, a few felt sorry for him!

When the CEO arrived, he surveyed the room and greeted his young executives.

Jim just tried to hide in the back.

"My, what great plants, trees and flowers you have grown," said the CEO. "Today one of you will be appointed the
next CEO!"

All of a sudden, the CEO spotted Jim at the back of the room with his empty pot. He ordered the Financial Director to bring him to the front. Jim was terrified.

He thought, 'The CEO knows I'm a failure! Maybe he will have me fired!'

When Jim got to the front, the CEO asked him what had happened to his seed, Jim told him the story.

The CEO asked everyone to sit down except Jim. He looked at Jim, and then announced to the young executives, "Behold your next Chief Executive Officer! His name is "Jim!"

Jim couldn't believe it. Jim couldn't even grow his seed.

"How could he be the new CEO?" the others said.

Then the CEO said, "One year ago today, I gave everyone in this room a seed. I told you to take the seed, plant it, water it, and bring it back to me today. But I gave you all boiled seeds; they were dead - it was not possible for them to grow. And all of you, except Jim, have brought me trees and plants and flowers. When you found that the seed would not grow, you substituted another seed for the one I gave you. And Jim was the only one with the courage and honesty to bring me a pot with my dead seed in it.
Therefore, he is the one who will be the new Chief Executive Officer!"

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/25/15 at 4:22am
May your days be as wonderful as your ride!

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/18/15 at 5:23am
Have you seen this? :D

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/16/15 at 8:47am

I have been in many places, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there.
I have made several trips there, thanks to my children, friends, family, and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore.

I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent, and I don't remember what country I was in. It's an age thing. They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

Today is one of the many National Mental Health Days throughout the year. You can do your bit by trying to share this information to one unstable person. My job is done!

Life is too short for negative drama and petty things.

So laugh insanely, love truly, and forgive quickly! Well that forgiveness part is up to you!!!

From one unstable person to another... I hope everyone is happy in your head - we're all doing pretty well in mine.

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/15/15 at 11:07pm

A drunk smelling like whiskey staggered onto a bus and he sat down next to a priest. The drunk's shirt was stained, his face was full of bright red lipstick and he had a half-empty bottle of wine sticking out of his pocket. He opened his newspaper and started reading. A couple minutes later, he asked the priest, "Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and contempt for your fellow man," the priest replied.

"Imagine that," the drunk muttered. He returned to reading his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, turned to the man and apologized, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk said, "but I just read in the paper that the Pope does."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/14/15 at 8:02pm

Stevie Wonder and Jack Nicklaus are in a bar. Nicklaus turns to Wonder and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Not too bad, the latest album's gone into the top 10, so all in all I think it's pretty good. By the way, how's the golf?"

Nicklaus replies, "Not too bad. I m not winning as much as I used to, but I'm still making a bit of money. I had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that worked out now."

"I always find that when my swing goes wrong I need to stop playing for a while and think about it, then the next time I play it seems to be all right," says Stevie.

"You play golf!?" asks Jack.

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

"But I... you're blind! How can you play golf if you are blind?" Jack asks.

"I get my caddie to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him, then when I get to where the ball lands the caddie moves to the green or further down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice," explains Stevie.

"But how do you putt?" Nicklaus wondered.

"Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddie to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball to the sound of his voice."

Nicklaus says, "What is your handicap?"

"I play off scratch," Stevie assures Jack.

Nicklaus is incredulous and says to Stevie, "We must play a game sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and I never play for less than $100,000 a hole."

Nicklaus thinks it over and says, "OK, I'm up for that. When would you like to play?"

"I don't care - any night next week is OK with me."

PuppydawgPosted by Puppydawg   10/10/15 at 5:34pm

Jason has just come home from a long day at his Photographic Studio. His wife, Becky, meets him at the front door, and kisses him on the cheek.

Becky says, ”Did you bring home the snapshots like I
asked? You probably didn't! You never listen to me! You never remember anything! Oh! You did get them. Well,
thank goodness for miracles. Let me see them! This shot
is terrible and this one is even worse. Oh, my God! This
one is horrible and this one is a disaster. In fact, this is
the worst lot of photographs I have ever seen in my life!
You can’t do anything right! You can’t drive a car properly! You can’t even change a fuse.
You can’t sing in tune, and as a photographer, you are the worst! Just take a look at these pictures: in every one of these, I have my mouth open!”

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