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A big city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.

The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

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I was wasting time at the bar at the airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer.

I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?"

He says, "No, why you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?"

"No," I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little jerk!"

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ew_2.html][/URL]

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A man left for work on Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys, and spending all his wages by playing cards.
When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife.
After two hours, she stopped nagging and said, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?"

He replied, "That would be fine with me."

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her walk into his hospital room, from the corner of his left eye...


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HAVE A GOOD DAY,
MY FUNNY FRIEND!
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In the light of recent police announcements that they will no longer consider it necessary to attend the scene of any domestic burglaries, I've taken down the St. George's flag from beside the house.

Also, I've peeled the burglar alarm sticker off the front door. I've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our "Neighborhood Watch Program."

I've bought two Pakistani flags on e-Bay and raised them in the front garden (yard), one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.

Now, the local police, CID, MI5, SAS, and other UK Counter Terrorism agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer. And I’m saving L44.95 a month.


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A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat and a young lady in the back seat. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked on the glass.

The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked.

"What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?"

The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man.

"I'm nineteen," he replied.

"And how old is she?" asked the officer.

The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be eighteen."

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A Farmer's Advice Learned From the Seat of a Tractor

Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.

Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.

Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.

A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.

Words that soak into your ears are whispered…...not yelled.

Meanness don't just happen overnight.

Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads.

Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.

It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge.

You cannot unsay a cruel word.

Every path has a few puddles.

When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.

The best sermons are lived, not preached.

Most of the stuff people worry about, isn't ever going to happen anyway.

Don't judge folks by their relatives.

Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.

Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time..

Don't interfere with something that isn't bothering you none.

Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.

If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop digging.

Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.

The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every morning.

Always drink upstream from the herd.

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lots of that comes from bad judgment.

Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.

If you get to thinking you're a person of some influence, try ordering somebody else's dog around.

Live simply, love generously, care deeply, speak kindly, and leave the rest to God.

Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.

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My mother has always been horrible at telling bad news.

I came home and found my mother looking very distressed.
She told me that she was having a bad day and felt really terrible.
Next, she confessed to having an affair with our neighbor.
And she also said that I couldn't tell dad.

"Why not?" I asked.

She replied, "Because he's just passed away."

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Have you seen this?

https://youtu.be/_VtTaqL72Pk


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At the cemetery, near the grave stood an old man, head bowed. The Preacher had said the last prayer over the old man's wife who's casket was being lowered into the ground. Most of the crowd started heading for their vehicles as dark clouds began to close-out the sun. Lightning flashed across the horizon, a clap of thunder rolled out across the valley floor as it echoed from one hill to another near this place. Another flash of lightning struck a tree nearby, and the Preacher flinched.

"Yep!" says the old man looking skyward. "She wasted no time and announced that she's made it, there!"


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aphic/][/url]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=105&v=igNVdlXhKcI

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g0Bv6LrZsNg

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2SRRPotEnFQ