| Why do bees hum?
\'cause they don\'t know the words.
What do you get if you cross a centipede with a parrot?- A walkie talkie
How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? -- His lips are moving.
Why\'d they call it PMS? Cos Mad cow disease was already taken!
I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.
I pretend to work here, they pretend to pay me.
What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
Doctor: You’re overweight. Patient: I think I want a second opinion. Doctor: You\'re also ugly.
Q. What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A. Beer in each hand!
If practice makes perfect, and nobody\'s perfect, why practice?
My mom never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
I had a dream I was eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was missing!
Never argue with a fool, they will lower you to their level, and then beat you with experience.
If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?
Crime doesn\'t pay? Does that mean my job is a crime?
Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.
Q: Do you talk to your wife after sex? A: Depends, if I can find the phone!
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents, and the second half by our children.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? -- A fsh
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
What if there were no hypothetical situations?
If at first you don\'t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
I don\'t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
How do you make a blonde\'s eyes sparkle? -- Shine a light into her ear.
Make crime pay, become a lawyer.
I say no to alcohol, it just doesn’t listen.
Q: Why did the blond get fired from the banana plantation? A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? \'Hold my purse.\'
Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other : "Funny, I smell carrots too".
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.
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