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AnnVampire
AnnVampire
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Journal for AnnVampireJournal for AnnVampire
Dec
4
Crying
I need to write it somewhere. I try to keep it inside me but it\'s unbeatable. Here\'s the story....

Nine years ago I lost my grandpa. He passed away on December 25th. I was only seven then but it still hurts when I try to remember something about him and find out I don\'t remember almost anything. I barely can remember his face. Since he died I began to pay attention to the people around me more. And I noticed how many of my dearest people went away. For those nine years I hoped and begged for there to be no more deaths in my family. But my pleas remained unheard...
Three weeks ago I lost my grandma.
Why do I feel guilt for her death? Was I supposed to know she had cancer? That she would have her leg amputated? How was I supposed to know that she will die too early?
Now I feel guilt. And pain. I cry every so often for all the things I remember about her - how we laughed, how she cooked me meals every day before I go or come back from school, how we used to just sit and talk with hours. And then I realize that those little moments are over, there won\'t be any of those anymore. Christmas is knocking on our doors and I realize that this year and the following ones would be without her. She was like second mother to me.
And I feel guilt. Deep inside I regret not being around her more. Saying I love her more. Smiling together more often. Telling her how much I love her meals... Everything is useless to say now. She\'s gone and never coming back.
I\'ll never forget her calm cold features facing me from the coffin, surrounded by all of the flowers. How many people came to say last goodbye to her, how they cried about her. And now I continue to cry and sob. For every little thing I recall. But most of all, I regret not telling her how precious it made me feel when she told me stories about me as a kid. She used to tell them with this little flame in her eyes, proud to be my grandma. And now it\'s all gone. I have to remind myself that every day since she passed away... and the pain it\'s unbearable. It stabs me right in the heart.


Funny how in just one moment things can turn upside down
Wish I could turn back time to when you were still around
All I\'ve got left is memories of your face smiling at me
Used to say that we should all just handle this differently


Those are some of the lyrics of a song by EarlyRise called "Memories". I feel like the song was written just for my grandma, the words describe everything perfectly. I\'m sorry that I tell such things when there is so beautiful holiday ahead of us but I just needed to get this out of me.
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